Combat! blog hurtles along ground, isn’t useful

By Dan Brooks in Uncategorized 1 Comment

Combat! blog continues to make its way back from Portland today, and I can’t type in the car or I will through up. You didn’t know this blog was written by a nine-year-old, did you? I’m so glad that I cannot hear your answer. While I periodically flick my eyes between a point on the horizon and the right edge of my peripheral vision, what say you read about the contest between two men that currently captivates America: Jon Jones versus Chael Sonnen. Ben al-Fowlkes has written a scathing indictment of the UFC’s decision to make the light heavyweight champion fight a mouthy middleweight for the purposes of a reality show. If you don’t know who Chael Sonnen is, it’s even better. I’ll see you tomorrow, with my ginned-up rivalry and my fake belt.

Glenn Beck somehow makes dishonest pants

By Dan Brooks in glenn beck 7 Comments

Glenn Beck displays the medal he won in a truth-telling contest.

The Venerable Smokestack alerted me to this breaking news about Glenn Beck’s new line of 1791 Supply & Co blue jeans. Don’t try to understand that name or you’ll tear your hippocampus. The 1791 part refers to the year the Bill of Rights was ratified. It definitely does not refer to the year Louis XVI and his family were captured at Varennes-en-Argonne while trying to flee the French Revolution. Beck hates revolutions that do not have “American” or possibly “faith” in front of them. It’s the whole reason he invented blue jeans in the first place.

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AFA says anti-bullying day is part of “gay agenda”

By Dan Brooks in Church People 2 Comments

A probable gaywad uses Tae Kwon Do to defend himself against bullying.

Hello from Portland, where Combat! blog fulfills the venerable office of Date to the Wildlife Conference. Portland is great, although as a consequence of certain astronomical irregularities it is not technically on the part of the Earth illuminated by the sun. You can get Thai food here, however, and that has made all the difference. Also, everyone is gay. Many of them are in heterosexual relationships, but you can pretty much tell by their dress and mustaches that they are part of the gay agenda. That thing is everywhere, as the American Family Association reminds us with their warning against Mix It Up For Lunch Day, a national plan to get kids to sit with different kids during school lunch.

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Friday links! Hey girl, I’m insane edition

By Dan Brooks in Friday Links 3 Comments

Photos of Paul Ryan working out from a shoot with Time magazine

Yesterday was not a good day for Paul Ryan. First, Time magazine leaked these candid photos of him pumping iron in the ol’ blue space. Then he had to go on TV and debate Turbo Biden. Then he tried to ramp his skateboard over a doghouse and pooped his pants. That last one is slander, but the past 24 hours really have been the story of Ryan destroying himself to get people to like him. Today is Friday, and nothing is less appealing than trying to be liked. Won’t you scrabble desperately for approval with me?

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Could Romney be winning?

By Dan Brooks in Existential Dilemmas 2 Comments

Nate Silver, who writes the FiveThirtyEight blog in the New York Times. You’d never seen him, had you? I’m going to keep picturing him as Mike Sebba.

If you’re like me—and god help you if you are—you still kind of can’t believe that Mitt Romney won last week’s debate. Clearly he did, if “winning the debate” means “making people like him way better based on what they saw.” Nate Silver, scrupulous author of the FiveThirtyEight polling blog, says there is “some evidence” to suggest that Romney surged as much as six points after his wide-eyed frenzy in Denver. For those of us who insist that “winning the debate” should mean “making convincing arguments supported by evidence,” this news is incredible. He lied his ass off. The American people are smarter than that. And yet, if you believe the incredibly credible Silver, Romney continues to “rocket forward” in predictions.

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