Meanwhile, in Clown Town

Jerry Falwell, Jr. and the top frown in downtown Clown Town [left]

Jerry Falwell, Jr. and the main frown in downtown Clown Town [left]

Donald Trump may be grabbing up all the headlines and shoving them into his mouth with his fat toddler’s fist, but one great leader does not a fascist movement make. You need armed thugs. What’s more, those armed thugs must be absolutely convinced they’re doing it for god and country. Otherwise their wives get after them. It was in that spirit Jerry Falwell, Jr., merit-based president of Liberty University, told his convocation of Christian college students to apply for concealed weapons permits:

“I’ve always thought that if more good people had concealed-carry permits, then we could end those Muslims before they walked in.”

Props to Ben al-Fowlkes for the link. Junior Falwell subsequently explained that by “those Muslims” he meant terrorists, and I guess that’s better than the preacher president of America’s largest online university instructing students to shoot Muslims just walking around. Still, I don’t feel like we’re in quite the same register as the Sermon On the Mount.

You know who loves it, though? Fox News radio host and probable automaton Todd Starnes. He stands with Liberty University’s Jerry Falwell, Jr. on guns; the “why” in the headline is a typo. Kombat! Kids! See if you can detect the professional writer trick Starnes uses in this sentence:

President Falwell is facing criticism from Democrats and jihadist sympathizers after he urged students at the nation’s largest Christian university to carry concealed weapons on campus to counter any possible armed attack from jihadists.

Yup—those are the two kinds of people who are criticizing him. You’d have to be a jihadist or at least a Democrat to find something unsavory about a Christian telling people to get guns so they can “end” Muslims. Fact: nowhere in the Bible does it say you can’t kill people. Starnes considers the very idea absurd:

Get a load of the crackpot theory offered up by one left-wing newspaper:

“Some theologians believe that Jesus would call on Christians to put down their weapons in the face of violence.”

I only wish the Washington Post had named the lunatic theologians who believe that Christians should gladly offer themselves to the Islamic radicals as sacrificial lambs.

Lunatic theologians probably cite Matthew 5:39-40: “But I say unto you that ye resist not evil, but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.” But you’d have to be shit-bathing crazy to think that means you can’t shoot a guy who breaks into your house. Look for Todd Starnes humping a rifle across Syria this time next year.

Tennessee county drops request to God re: gays, wrath

The Blount County courthouse (pre-destroyed)

The Blount County courthouse (pre-destroyed)

Like any decent person, I was thrilled to learn that Blount County, Tennessee was considering a resolution asking God to pass over them when he punishes America for allowing gay marriage. After citing “natural law” and “reason” as forces superior to the federal government, the resolution concludes:

We adopt this resolution begging His favor in light of the fact that we have been forced to comply and recognize that the State of Tennessee, like so many other God-fearing States, MAY have fallen prey to a lawless judiciary in legalizing what God and the Bible expressly forbids.

What could be more Christian than asking God to spare you when he punishes other people? It’s like Jesus said in Luke 23:34: “Father, fuck them but forgive me, because I had nothing to do with this.” There’s something enormously pleasing about pious Tennesseans following the teachings of Christ by calling down God’s wrath on everyone but them. But then I read that the Blount County Commission declined to hear this resolution last night.

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Catholic high school revokes teacher’s job offer because he’s gay

Dowling Catholic High School substitute teacher, unsuccessful job applicant and gay dude Tyler McCubbin

Dowling Catholic High School substitute teacher, unsuccessful job applicant and gay dude Tyler McCubbin

Spencerly Griffin sent me this news bulletin from West Des Moines, where Dowling Catholic High School first extended a job offer to teacher Tyler McCubbin and then rescinded it because he is gay. It’s weird, because Dowling was my rival high school growing up, and we determined that they were all gay. But the problem is that McCubbin, who has worked as a substitute teacher and volunteer track coach at Dowling since the beginning of the school year, is openly gay. Local news station KCCI says that according to Bishop Richard Pates of the Des Moines diocese, “McCubbin wasn’t denied the job because he’s gay, but due to the openness of his sexual orientation.” Spoken like a Catholic priest, bro.

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Arkansas passes religious freedom law, because what could go wrong?

Rep. Bob Ballinger of the Arkansas House (not pictured: puppets)

Arkansas House member and sponsor of religious freedom Rep. Bob Ballinger (not pictured: puppets)

I’m not saying that if a wizard transformed all the members of the Arkansas House of Representatives into animals, Rep. Bob Ballinger (R–Berryville) would be a walrus who goes “harrumph!” But he wouldn’t be a mallard, would he? That’s because a mallard is gay, and Ballinger sponsored the religious freedom law that Arkansas passed yesterday. That law is totally not designed to let businesses refuse service to homosexuals. That would be discrimination, and that’s not what Ballinger is about. Earlier this session, however, he did sponsor another bill that forbid Arkansas towns and cities from passing anti-discrimination ordinances protecting gays and lesbians. But that’s a coincidence, owing to the widespread discrimination against Christians in America and the comparative absence of bias against gay people. Here’s Ballinger explaining to the Times why he didn’t think to clarify that his bill wasn’t about anti-gay discrimination:

“All the way through this I thought it was unnecessary because of the fact that it didn’t do everything that everybody was saying it was doing. In hindsight maybe I would have done it to maybe avoid all the pain.”

He said that a few minutes after the bill passed.

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Pence won’t say whether law would allow discrimination against gays

A hue and cry has risen against Indiana since Governor Mike Pence signed the state’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which exempts individuals from laws that conflict with their sincerely held religious beliefs. Critics say it amounts to legalizing discrimination against homosexuals. Pence called that claim “a smear” and insists the law merely reiterates the federal Religious Freedom Restoration Act of 1993. In the interview with George Stephanopoulos above, however, the governor refused to say whether it would be legal for a Christian florist in Indiana to refuse to serve a gay wedding. He refused repeatedly. Stephanopoulos’s vain attempt to get him to answer yes or no begins around 1:25 and continues for four minutes, during which Pence hedges like a damn juniper. He simply will not say whether Indiana’s bill legalizes discrimination.

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