COMBAT!

Oppositional culture for an occupied age

What’s wrong with internet comments?

A person who has named himself COMMON SENSE calls for a sex criminal to be raped and murdered.

A person who named himself COMMON SENSE calls for a sex criminal to be raped and murdered.

First, the good news: the alleged pervert wanted in connection with nine Missoula lewdnesses since last summer has been named by the police. His name is James St. Goddard. If you see him, please call the police and then break line of sight so he doesn’t masturbate to you. Sexual assault is never funny. But I think we might agree that some of St. Goddard’s schemes muddled the line between crime and comedy:

During the sixth incident on Nov. 7, 2013, a female student was approached by the man as she was walking down the stairs in the Language Arts Building. Prosecutors allege St. Goddard offered to help her carry a box, but pretended to trip when he reached the bottom of the stairs. While he was on the ground, he allegedly looked up her skirt and grabbed her buttocks with one hand and her crotch with the other, while attempting to pull up her skirt.

At press time, this master criminal remains at large.

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Missing cat

Blurry Cat

Something nice about living in a small town is that one person can make a difference. I like to put up flyers that say MISSING CAT over a blurry picture—just the outline of a cat running past a snowman or whatever. I like to get everyone out into the neighborhood, looking for cats. When someone calls the number on my MISSING CAT flyer, I don’t answer. I think about how many people have pets they love now because of me.

“Who was missing a cat, after all?” I say. But never into the phone—I only watch it ring.

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Ravalli judge: Casey Allen “managed to impregnate herself”

Ravalli County District Judge James Haynes will preside over Allen's endangerment trial.

Ravalli County District Judge James Haynes will preside over the trial of Casey Gloria Allen.

In August, Judge James Haynes denied a request for postponement in the trial of Casey Allen, the 21 year-old Ravalli County woman charged with felony endangerment after failing a drug test while pregnant. According to court transcripts reported by Keila Szpaller of the Missoulian, Haynes said Allen’s pregnancy was not the court’s responsibility. Quote:

I don’t know why I should have to scurry around, change my trial schedule. We have this woman who has managed to impregnate herself, plus she’s got these criminal charges. Her decision to have a child in the middle of this is her decision. It’s not society’s responsibility to take up the cause.

In keeping with his argument that Allen’s unborn child is not society’s responsibility, Haynes dismissed the child endangerment charge against her remained immune to irony. Brief discussion of where babies come from after the jump.

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Paul Ryan: Rage Against the Machine was never my favorite band

A possibly Photoshopped image of Rep. Paul Ryan

A possibly Photoshopped image of Rep. Paul Ryan

We all remember the highlight of the 2012 presidential election, when then-Republican nominee for vice president Paul Ryan told the New York Times that Rage Against the Machine was one of his favorite bands. It wasn’t quite irony, exactly. It was more like the twist in Terminator Salvation: with a rush of existential horror, we realized this guy thought he was a real person. But don’t you worry—he’s corrected that misapprehension in a new interview with the Times. Quote:

They were never my favorite band. I hate the lyrics, but I like the sound. Led Zeppelin has always been my favorite band. Again, these urban legends get going.

By “urban legends,” Ryan means things he told the most respected and carefully fact-checked newspaper in America. But he was never directly quoted, so he has some wiggle room. Uncomfortable writhing after the jump.

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Friday links! Owen who? edition

Owen Who

Tomorrow, my beloved Iowa Hawkeyes will play their annual rivalry game against unaccredited Iowa State University, whose record currently stands at 0-2. The Hawks did not look great in their first two outings, but they are 2-0 nonetheless. That discrepancy prompted the University of Iowa Campus Police Department to tweet a funny knock-knock joke at the ISU police, the punchline of which plays out in the image above.Screen Shot 2014-09-12 at 9.21.39 AM I don’t think anyone will disagree that the police of Iowa City are total dicks, but I’m with them on this one.* Today is Friday, and winners are winners regardless of how they got there. Won’t you elide the details with me?

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