Ways to lose to Trump: Call him poor

By Dan Brooks in 2016 Election 1 Comment
The 2016 presidential candidates and their spouses hang out at a wedding.

The 2016 presidential candidates and their spouses at a wedding in 2005.

Who says Hillary Clinton isn’t the best candidate to address wealth inequality? Racists and bros, mostly—the rest of us know better. Here’s the presumptive Democratic nominee telling the New York Times that she’s open to considering Mark Cuban or another successful businessperson as her vice president:

“Businesspeople, especially successful businesspeople, who are really successful — as opposed to pretend successful — I think, have a lot to offer,” said Mrs. Clinton, whose campaign has begun taunting Mr. Trump with a #PoorDonald hashtag on Twitter, suggesting that he is not nearly as wealthy as he claims. Mr. Trump has cited an audit by the Internal Revenue Service as his reason for keeping his tax returns private.

Clinton supporters on Twitter have begun circulating the claim that Donald Trump is not a multi-billionaire, as he says, and that his net worth is actually less than $100 million. That would put him below the Clintons’ estimated worth of $110 million, nearly all of which they made after Bill became president. Surely, voters will flock to Hillary once they start thinking of her as the richer candidate.

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Friday links! So sue me edition

By Dan Brooks in Friday Links 1 Comment
A potentially ill-advised vanity plate

A potentially ill-advised vanity plate

The 1980s contributed so many dismissive catchphrases to our shared vocabulary: “get a life,” “don’t have a cow,” “peace through strength.” These were insurmountable arguments against anything someone else cared about. I remember when my cat died in seventh grade, and I was sad at school, and my classmate told me to get a life. What a burn! In that moment, my central concerns were unimportant—not merely misplaced but nonexistent, failing to even constitute a life. Yet for all his lordly dearth of empathy, the person who says “get a life” remains a third party to whatever problem he dismisses. The real boss move is to dismiss misery you yourself have caused. To that end, no catchphrase beats “so sue me.” It reduces your relation with your interlocutor to the law and whatever money they can extract from you. Today is Friday, and we owe one another no more consideration than that. Why don’t you do something about it with me?

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Judge overturns Montana contribution limits, making politics fun again

By Dan Brooks in Montana Politics 4 Comments
The whole state of Montana until yesterday

The whole state of Montana until Tuesday

You can’t hear it, but someone is lazily picking a banjo. The buffalo no longer roam, having decided one place is as good as another. The deer and the antelope play video games. Montana politics is sleepy, so sleepy. But then look what happens: a federal judge rules unconstitutional several elements of our campaign finance law. Suddenly, the dog sits up. As of Tuesday afternoon—three weeks before the primaries—political parties can contribute unlimited amounts to individual candidates. Judge Charles Lovell’s ruling seems to indicate that limits on donations from individuals and corporations are lifted as well, but Commissioner of Political Practices Jonathan Motl believes he must only revert to the limits in place before the ones Lovell struck down, in 1994.

Anyway, the last time this law was briefly overturned—for nine days in 2012—Republican gubernatorial candidate Rick Hill accepted a $500,000 donation. Our easy slumber may have just been broken. I, for one, welcome the impending rush of cash into Montana politics. The 2016 campaign needs a shot of adrenaline. Why, just this week in the Missoula Independent, I wrote about how Bullock versus Gianforte has been a clash of tepid negatives. But the potential for political action committees of all kinds to spend unlimited amounts of money say unlimited amounts of speech ensures a vigorous exchange of ideas. So pander to me, boys. I’m all napped up.

Retail federation says rise in overtime threshold “demotes millions”

By Dan Brooks in Close Reading 0 Comment
Kombat! Kids: How many black men can you find in this image search for "white collar employees?"

How many black men can you find in this image search for “white collar employees?”

Today, the Labor Department will release new regulations that raise the salary threshold for overtime pay to $47,476 a year. Since 2004, salaried employees have been ineligible for overtime if they made more than $23,660. This threshold established the terms of work recognizable to people around my age: 40 hours a week when you interview, 50 to 60 hours a week for the same pay once you’ve got the job. Raising the threshold will increase the number of salaried employees who get paid extra for working more, forcing employers to either hire more people or better compensate those they already have. It also reduces the number of people who are considered “management” in the Labor Department rubric. Perhaps that’s what prompted David French of the National Retail Federation to say this:

“This is an extreme revision in the white-collar threshold. By executive fiat, the Department of Labor is effectively demoting millions of workers.”

It’s the kind of demotion where they get paid more. If French ever loses his job at NRF, he’s a shoe-in for a position at the National Board of Sophistry.

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Announcements

By Dan Brooks in Fiction 1 Comment

Crier

The bar between Wholesale Industrial Adhesives and Frank’s Exotic Birds has had its liquor license revoked, due to mishaps.

Student voting to name the new addition to Westside Middle School is now closed. Graduation is scheduled for Saturday in Bonerfart Auditorium.

The “World’s Best Grandpa” mug awarded at Christmas has been taken back due to the events of New Year’s Eve. It will not be given to the runner-up, due to complicity in the events of New Year’s Eve.

The Valentine’s Day Haunted Hayride and Fireworks Show has been canceled for unrelated reasons of clarity and safety.

The Ninth Annual Great Trail and River Cleanup Festival, billed as a “fun and educational experience for the whole family,” is pretty much a scam.

The Five Valleys Skeet Shooting and Pigeon Breeders’ Association has decided to split into two separate organizations.

Uncle Kooky’s Funtime Family Pizza Palace has been closed due to snakes.

Due to an editing mistake, a previous announcement in this space reported that Charla May Stevens, queen of the Peach Festival and class valedictorian, had become engaged to a “shiftless drifter from parts unknown.” In fact he is from Indianapolis. We regret the error.

Henry B. Lakin, DDS, and Cynthia Lakin are pleased to announce the marriage of their son Todd to Rachel Lakin (née Smith) on May 14th. Rachel is an attorney with a master’s degree in management from the Wharton School, and Todd is a freelance writer with an MFA in poetry from the University of Minnesota. Ronald and Margaret Smith regret the error.

The new soccer field next to the zoo had its grand opening Saturday night.

Sunday morning’s announcement that rare Chinese pandas Lun Lun and Mei Yan had unexpectedly given birth to a new baby panda has been withdrawn.

The zookeeper has been fired.