James Franco waits for a mediocre film to succeed wildly, again.

Remember when Kim Jong Un saved America from another self-indulgent James Franco project? That was cool, but he shouldn’t have used terrorism to do it. Of course, this conflict between a pampered manchild exploiting a brainwashed peasantry and Kim Jong Un didn’t require any actual terrorism. The Guardians of Peace needed only to invoke the name of September 11th, and the American film industry—theoretically unafraid to challenge any taboo in the name of art/money—couldn’t take a $44 million loss fast enough. When Pyongyang threatened to “turn Washington into a lake of fire,” we all laughed. Let an anonymous email imply that terrorism might happen, though, and America’s last viable industry becomes a quivering mass. Let’s admit it: the terrorists won. That’s my bitter contention in this week’s column for the Missoula Independent, which is more fun than it sounds—I swear. It’s at least better than Your Highness.

There is no Combat! blog today, as I make my annual sacrifice of time and dignity to the commercial airline industry. By the time you read this, I’ll be stranded in Denver. If historical trends are somehow interrupted, I meet even make it all the way to Des Moines. Either way, I’ll be blogging again tomorrow. In the meantime, how about you catch up on the continued adventures of Diamond Joe Biden? I’m pretty sure he’s the perfect comic hero. He may also be the president of United Airlines.

A rendering of my old business partner and me by Indy artist Pumpernickel Stewart

You there, boy! What day is it? Why, it’s Thursday day, Mr. Scrooge, and that normally means an Indy column by me. This week is the holiday issue, though, so you get a whole damn essay in which I report the unvarnished truth about ghosts, divorce and, of course, Fantasy for Adults Only. It’s a local pornography store. You can probably masturbate in there, but I digress. The point is that I wrote this humorous essay not based on any previously published work, and you should read it. Then you should read the rest of the Indy, which includes delightful work by Sarah Aswell and another holiday essay by Bob Wire. But if you don’t have time, just read what I wrote and lie about it later. That’s more the New Year’s spirit than the Christmas spirit, but I’ll allow it. We’ll be back tomorrow with Friday links.