In “pink mass,” Satanic Temple turns Westboro Baptist founder’s mother gay

By Dan Brooks in Church People 2 Comments
Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps with what I presume is a poster for a hardcore band

Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps with what I presume is a poster for a hardcore band

First of all, constantly yelling about how other people are going to hell does not give you an evil face at all. Second, the face of evil broke into a wry grin this weekend, when The Satanic Temple performed a “pink mass” over the grave of Catherine L. Johnston, intended to turn the spirit of the Westboro Baptist Church founder’s deceased mother gay. Obviously, Phelps’s mom is in heaven, because she did such a great job with Fred. Also, according to Temple spokesman Lucien Greaves (real name: Todd Feldman,) a Pink Mass properly performed at a gravesite “changes the sexual orientation of that person in the afterlife.” So now a gay person is in heaven, which is a real coup for Satan. Or it’s satire from a source you’d least expect. Probably the second one.

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Citing Christianity, PA rep stops gay colleague from addressing House

By Dan Brooks in Epistemology 3 Comments
Pennsylvania Rep. Daryl Metcalfe (R–Cranberry)

Pennsylvania Rep. Daryl Metcalfe (R–Cranberry)

Last week, during the end of Pennsylvania’s legislative session, Rep. Brian Sims (D–Philadelphia) took the floor to speak about the Supreme Court’s DOMA ruling. Under PA house rules, legislators can speak about uncontroversial issues at the end of the session by unanimous consent. Sims, who is gay, had his mic cut a few seconds into his remarks, owing to the objections of Rep. Daryl Metcalfe. Indignant Democrats subsequently took the floor to speak about DOMA themselves, only to have their mics cut, too. It was a mess. In defending his maneuver, Metcalfe told Pittsburgh’s KDPA:

His talking about that on the House floor would have been an open rebellion against Almighty God and God’s word, against God’s law. And as a Christian, if I would have sat there and been silent, it would have violated my conscience because of my beliefs as a Christian.

Exegesis after the jump.

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Bristol Palin willing to dance with gay man

By Dan Brooks in Church People, Uncategorized 7 Comments

Dancing With the Stars and Bristol Palin

I want to start by saying it is grotesquely wonderful that America’s least deserving national figure has a daughter who is famous, too. Bristol Palin got pregnant during her mother’s run for the vice-presidency. Now she is a spokeswoman for teen abstinence, star of a reality show about herself, and a returning contestant on Dancing With the Stars. In other words, she is utterly irrelevant to a decent person’s life in America. Don’t think for a second that Bristol Palin is important. Yet although she is insignificant herself, she is instructive as an example of her species—like a termite. On Monday, she published this terrifyingly Orwellian argument on her blog which she apparently has. I think you’ll find its central theme gross and immediately recognizable, also like a termite.

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Gay judicial nominee blocked to prevent “activism”

By Dan Brooks in Politics versus Government 3 Comments

Richmond prosecutor and almost-judge Tracy Thorne-Begland

The nomination of Tracy Thorne-Begland to the Virginia judiciary had bipartisan support in the Virginia House of Delegates right up until it didn’t. The Richmond prosecutor was backed by the Courts of Justice Committee, but in a 1am vote—conducted after several state legislators had gone home—the House voted 33 to 31 in his favor, short of the 50 votes he needed for confirmation. The opposition and late vote were attributed to The Family Foundation and conservative lawmakers, who worried that he would be a “homosexual activist.” And like that, Tracy Thorne-Begland’s career came to a screeching halt.

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Annals of Lying: Priest’s PC autoplays gay porn during presentation

By Dan Brooks in lying 2 Comments

Father Martin McVeigh, who has no idea how gay pornography even got on his computer.

Once, when I worked as a tutor for prep school kids, one of my students woke his laptop from sleep and went to use the bathroom while it was starting up. Pretty much as soon as he left the room, the computer began playing blowjob footage—grainy and extremely loud, in that sensory-assault style where pornography meets the industrial film. I went for command-Q like a damn mongoose, only to get the spinning beach ball, at which point I panicked and shut the clamshell. That was no good, of course; my student would inevitably return, open it and have even more reason to assume I had fired up the hardcore porn while he was gone. I woke the laptop and waited for Closeup Wailing Blowjob 6 to start again—watching the bathroom door in terror the whole time—and then did a hard shutdown. My point is A) no pun and B) even the shrewd tactician is at a loss when a machine suddenly begins emitting pornography. I can understand why Father Martin McVeigh of Pomeroy, Ireland just got the fuck out of there.

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