Circumstances in which I would eat a Naked Chicken Chalupa

A Naked Chicken Chalupa, available in Taco Bells nationwide January 26th

In response to demand for not just more food but more foods, Taco Bell has invented the Naked Chicken Chalupa, a taco whose shell is made of fried chicken. It’s a genius idea, when you think about it quickly. “The shell is the chicken,” the press release explains. “The chicken is the shell.” To wit:

Taco Bell is coming un-shelled with its latest food innovation, coming in the form of the first taco shell made entirely of marinated, all-white crispy chicken. The Naked Chicken Chalupa will bare all nationwide on January 26, clucking the trend of traditional fried chicken.

“Be sure to get the word ‘coming’ in there twice,” said the scientist who invented moldable chicken extrusion, after he was promoted to CEO of Taco Bell. Also, “clucking the trend” is a pun; it plays on the phrase “fucking the trend of traditional fried chicken.” Anyway, here are some circumstances under which I would eat a Naked Chicken Chalupa.

  1. Some kids build a Naked Chicken Chalupa Cannon and surprise me.
  2. I get snowed in with only a can of dog food, a Labrador retriever, and a Naked Chicken Chalupa, and the dog won’t eat it.
  3. A genie changes all the world’s musical instruments into Naked Chicken Chalupas just as I start to practice my harmonica.
  4. I need to prove I’m American, and they’re like, “Show us your gun!” I tell them I don’t own a gun. “One of those, huh?” they say. “So eat this Naked Chicken Chalupa, ironically.” I eat the chalupa ironically.
  5. A bird drops a Naked Chicken Chalupa onto the handle of a rake, and I step on the rake.
  6. I’m falling off a building with my mouth wide open, and directly beneath me I see beloved essayist Annie Dillard. She is holding a Naked Chicken Chalupa, and I can fall a little to the left.
  7. A scenario like Speed, except instead of a bus it’s a Taco Bell, and instead of driving 50 miles per hour I have to eat Taco Bell. Instead of Sandra Bullock, beloved essayist Annie Dillard.
  8. A child is showing me a Naked Chicken Chalupa, pressing it toward my face, and I sneeze. “That was close,” I say, having nearly thrown my open mouth down onto the chalupa. The child’s eyes glow red as he lunges forward.
  9. I’m coaching a baseball team of underprivileged kids, and they dare me to eat a Naked Chicken Chalupa. When I refuse, they look really disappointed. It’s like I’ve let them down. “Now I don’t believe in anything,” the catcher says. The other disadvantaged kids nod glumly.
  10. My choice is between a Naked Chicken Chalupa and a Clothed Chicken Chalupa.
  11. I’m drunk.



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  1. Thanks for blowing my cover. No one thinks I’m in my office working when I’m hysterically laughing.

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