A Naked Chicken Chalupa, available in Taco Bells nationwide January 26th
In response to demand for not just more food but more foods, Taco Bell has invented the Naked Chicken Chalupa, a taco whose shell is made of fried chicken. It’s a genius idea, when you think about it quickly. “The shell is the chicken,” the press release explains. “The chicken is the shell.” To wit:
Taco Bell is coming un-shelled with its latest food innovation, coming in the form of the first taco shell made entirely of marinated, all-white crispy chicken. The Naked Chicken Chalupa will bare all nationwide on January 26, clucking the trend of traditional fried chicken.
“Be sure to get the word ‘coming’ in there twice,” said the scientist who invented moldable chicken extrusion, after he was promoted to CEO of Taco Bell. Also, “clucking the trend” is a pun; it plays on the phrase “fucking the trend of traditional fried chicken.” Anyway, here are some circumstances under which I would eat a Naked Chicken Chalupa.
- Some kids build a Naked Chicken Chalupa Cannon and surprise me.
- I get snowed in with only a can of dog food, a Labrador retriever, and a Naked Chicken Chalupa, and the dog won’t eat it.
- A genie changes all the world’s musical instruments into Naked Chicken Chalupas just as I start to practice my harmonica.
- I need to prove I’m American, and they’re like, “Show us your gun!” I tell them I don’t own a gun. “One of those, huh?” they say. “So eat this Naked Chicken Chalupa, ironically.” I eat the chalupa ironically.
- A bird drops a Naked Chicken Chalupa onto the handle of a rake, and I step on the rake.
- I’m falling off a building with my mouth wide open, and directly beneath me I see beloved essayist Annie Dillard. She is holding a Naked Chicken Chalupa, and I can fall a little to the left.
- A scenario like Speed, except instead of a bus it’s a Taco Bell, and instead of driving 50 miles per hour I have to eat Taco Bell. Instead of Sandra Bullock, beloved essayist Annie Dillard.
- A child is showing me a Naked Chicken Chalupa, pressing it toward my face, and I sneeze. “That was close,” I say, having nearly thrown my open mouth down onto the chalupa. The child’s eyes glow red as he lunges forward.
- I’m coaching a baseball team of underprivileged kids, and they dare me to eat a Naked Chicken Chalupa. When I refuse, they look really disappointed. It’s like I’ve let them down. “Now I don’t believe in anything,” the catcher says. The other disadvantaged kids nod glumly.
- My choice is between a Naked Chicken Chalupa and a Clothed Chicken Chalupa.
- I’m drunk.
Former Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO and current fraud indictee Martin Shkreli
On September 11th, New York City watched in horror as a symbol of America’s intertwined economic and political power collapsed. Of course I refer to Hillary Clinton, who left a memorial ceremony at the World Trade Center yesterday and was subsequently diagnosed with dehydration and pneumonia. During the 90 minutes or so the Democratic nominee spent in the Flatiron apartment of her daughter, Chelsea Clinton, various onlookers gathered outside. One of them was Martin Shkreli, who livestreamed himself shouting “why are you so sick?” and “are you alive?” for about two hours. After Clinton left, Shkreli told the Daily News, “Chelsea Clinton does not live in that apartment. That apartment is an advanced medical facility.” He appeared to be lying.
“Mammon and His Slave” woodcut by Johann Jacob Weber, c. 1896
Like most consumers, I associate the phrase “thank you” with Citigroup THANKYOU Marks, which the financial-services giant uses in its customer rewards programs. When I hold the door open for a little girl and she says “thank you,” I suffer a moment of confusion. How has this child become employed by Citigroup, and why has my act of courtesy earned me THANKYOU Mark rewards? But then I remember that, oh yeah, trademark violations have diluted the THANKYOU Mark brand to the point where people started using it in non-rewards point contexts. It’s the kind of infringement on intellectual property that has become too common in the modern world. Fortunately, Citigroup has fought back against such lawlessness by filing suit against AT&T for using “thanks” and “AT&T thanks” in its own marketing materials.
A sign on the village green welcomes statistically non-Indian visitors to Whitesboro (AP).
Democracy does not measure what everybody wants. It measures what voters want, and convincing people to vote a certain way is not so hard as convincing them to vote at all. Yesterday, the village of Whitesboro, New York voted to keep its official seal, which depicts the village founder throwing an Indian to the ground. It was a victory for residents who knew their history. The seal does not symbolize white supremacy over Indians; it merely depicts the symbolic turning point in the village’s founding, which happened when the unfortunately named Hugh White defeated an Oneida Indian in a wrestling match. I admit it’s counterintuitive, but the Whitesboro residents who voted to keep the seal know their history—all 157 of them. The final vote was 157 to 55. That’s a turnout of 5.7% of the total Whitesboro population.
I should warn you that the footage of a cat looking into the My Spy Birdhouse at 1:20 of this video is, as the disclaimer plainly indicates, a dramatization. That cat did not actually become fascinated by a birdhouse with no back wall suction-cupped to the window. That cat isn’t even alive. He was rendered from a composite of several other successful advertising cats, now dead, and added during post-pro. We never figured out how to keep a real cat alive for more than a few days, because we had no idea what they were doing when we couldn’t see them. It’s too late for cats, but birds—oh, birds. Their secret life is fucking over.