Meanwhile, inside Michele Bachmann’s career

Michele Bachmann wants you to pull another quarter out of her ear, but this time she's watching.

Michele Bachmann wants you to pull another quarter out of her ear, but this time she’s watching.

Could this be the end of Michele Bachmann head science? It’s possible the wormhole is collapsing, as the four-term Representative from Minnesota announced that she will not seek reelection in 2014. Her decision is definitely not related to the 1.1% victory she won last year over Jim Graves, who recently announced that he would run for her seat again. Nor is it connected to the ongoing ethics probe into her 2012 presidential campaign. You can watch Bachmann explain how unimportant both of those things are in this eight-minute video:


I will miss her cadence most of all—like a children’s record played at the wrong speed.

My favorite part of that video is her rationale, which sounds suspiciously like a rationalization. Besides invoking the Constitution within the first minute, Bachmann explains that presidents are limited to eight years, and that’s enough for her, too. See what she did there? She likened her own office to that of the chief executive, and she worked in a vague allusion to Tea Party orthodoxy. The woman is a pro.

But what will the old pro do next? Using the awesome computational power of contemporary Bachmophysics, I have narrowed down her future to three possible outcomes:

  1. work as a commentator on Fox News, where she will make Sarah Palin look like Marshall fucking McLuhan
  2. finally finish reading the second Garfield collection
  3. emit trace amounts of carbon dioxide, methane

Of the three, item (1) seems most likely, although the other two are also probably locks. It’s kind of hard to believe when you listen to her talk, but Bachmann has always been better at presenting an exciting media image than she is at actual governing. Her legislative record is infamously thin, but she makes up for her lack of skill at realpolitik by telling it like it ought to be. If you need someone to say that everything you know is right and it really is that simple, Mm-Bach is your woman. Claiming that, say, carbon dioxide could not possibly harm humans because it’s natural isn’t much use for crafting legislation, but it’s a fine way to rally the people who agree with you already.

So I wish Rep. Bachmann the best of luck in her new career as a source of video content for Huffington Post. Probably it will be much more successful than her career as a source of video content for Politico. The field of Bachmann head science, on the other hand, will suffer terribly. My probe lies unfinished on the kitchen table, and now the whole quasar looks to be on the brink of collapse. Let that by a lesson to all you Kombat! Kids junior scientists out there: if you want to learn more about the inner workings of a famous politician’s head, don’t put it off. Stick a really long Q-Tip up her nose while you have the chance, because nothing lasts forever.

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  1. If you haven’t already watched the video, go back and watch it like a resume submission for someone applying to the Onion. “I called out the Muslim Jihad Terrorists for who they are.” Yep, that’s the stuff, kid.

    Tune in to tomorrow’s Combat! blog post, where we tug on another lose thread in the fabric of the universe; Fox news pundit nailing Lena Dunham for being a vacuous twerp, albeit in the spirit of Declinism.

  2. I wonder at your suggestion that she’ll make Sarah Palin look good? Why? At worst, the similar. At best, I think Bachmann, from what I’ve seen, at least has a better grasp of actual policy (even if her interpretations are looney).

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