Least sympathetic man ever constructs even less sympathetic defense

By Dan Brooks in corporatocracy 2 Comments

The source of all Erzinger's suffering

About a month ago, we discussed Martin Joel Erzinger, the Solomon Smith Barney money manager who ran over a surgeon and then fled the scene—only to have his felony charges dropped by the Eagle County district attorney, who helpfully explained that he didn’t want to hurt Erzinger’s ability to make money. Those charges have since been re-filed, presumably as a result of massive outrage rays bombarding the Eagle County DA’s office and making the coke stick to the hookers. Recognizing that their client once again faces a PR disaster, Erzinger’s attorneys have constructed a new defense: his Mercedes was so new that its overpowering new Mercedes smell messed him up. Now to sit back and let the sympathy roll in.

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Stem sells appear to cure HIV infection, creating perfect storm

By Dan Brooks in Christianism 2 Comments

Boooooring

Researchers in Berlin have announced that a man who underwent stem cell transplants for treatment of leukemia seems to have been cured of his HIV as a result of the procedure. I think I speak for all of us when I say: there’s a dude a Berlin who has HIV and leukemia? Does he go to church? Also: does this mean we have a cure for AIDS? Shockingly, it looks like it kind of does. According to the excitingly-named Blood magazine, “results strongly suggest that cure of HIV has been achieved in this patient.” While having pluripotent stem cells massively transplanted into your bone marrow likely will remain a less popular treatment than having sex with a virgin, it appears that we have found a solution to the great epidemic of our time. All it takes to cure what the religious right once called “the gay plague” are stem cells harvested from embryos that the religious right considers tiny babies.

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Judge in Obamacare ruling agrees with own lobbying firm

By Dan Brooks in Uncategorized 1 Comment

Surprise, cockbags!

Yesterday, a federal judge in Richmond, Virginia ruled that the individual coverage mandate in Obamacare is unconstitutional. That is not as big a deal as it sounds. Judge Henry Hudson declined the plaintiff’s request to suspend implementation of health care reform pending appeal, so Obamacare will roll out as scheduled. Even if Hudson had ruled the requirement that most Americans carry health coverage was, in the words of John Jay, “just constitutional as shit,” the mandate wouldn’t take effect until 2012 anyway. By that time, this discussion will have reached the Supreme Court, and Judge Henry Hudson will be a literal footnote to history. Don’t worry: everything is cool with Obamacare. The independent judiciary is fucked, though.

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You don’t need totalitarian government when you’ve got MasterCard

By Dan Brooks in Fascism 9 Comments

The sentence “Julian Assange has not yet been charged with a crime,” became a problematic way to discuss Wikileaks a few months ago, when Swedish authorities accused him of rape. So Julian Assange has not been charged with espionage or—as one Fox News reporter suggested, in apparent ignorance of his Australian citizenship—treason. Instead, he is the object of extradition proceedings for failing to stop what began as consensual sex when his condom broke. Meanwhile, in the same treason interview, Joe Lieberman suggested that the New York Times be investigated for publishing Assange’s leak of diplomatic cables. An “investigative” phone call from the senator’s office already prompted Amazon to stop hosting his website, and MasterCard and Visa prohibited donations to WikiLeaks last week. While the US government decides whether what he did was spying or journalism, his website has been shut down, his income stream has been frozen, and Julian Assange has been put in jail. But he hasn’t been censored.

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Friday links! Terror of rejection edition

By Dan Brooks in Friday Links 1 Comment

Today’s link roundup is not so much organized around a central theme as compiled under a certain mindset: abject social terror. In what seemed like a brilliant tactical move for the thirty seconds that it took me to execute it, I agreed to participate in a bachelor auction this evening. Now I will finally get a chance to live out my lifelong dream of seeing just how little people want to go on a date with me expressed as a monetary value, from a stage. Needless to say, I will be drunk. Until then, I will think about it, and any typos or unsubstantiated allegations that appear in today’s blog are likely the result of me experiencing an anxiety blackout and regressing to childhood. I’m kidding, of course. As a functioning adult with a job and an apartment, I go on tons of dates all the time and no longer fear rejection on the individual or community level. I also invented hockey.

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