Yes, I can hear my parents having sex by Superman

Note: This weekend, Dan Brooks was injured in a freak accident while throwing hammers at a trampoline, so today’s Combat! blog is a guest post by humanitarian and immigration rights activist Superman.

As a virtually indestructible alien given superhuman abilities by Earth’s yellow sun, I get a lot of questions about my powers. Yes, I can cook food with my vision. No, I do not need special scissors to get a haircut. My hair just grows this way, with the gel and everything. I don’t understand why—probably for the same reason I can hear Lois Lane say “Help me, Superglub!” as the room in which she is trapped slowly fills with water, even though she is underground and thousands of miles away. And yes, this same super hearing means that I can hear my parents every time they have sex.

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What’s wrong with internet comments?

A person who has named himself COMMON SENSE calls for a sex criminal to be raped and murdered.

A person who named himself COMMON SENSE calls for a sex criminal to be raped and murdered.

First, the good news: the alleged pervert wanted in connection with nine Missoula lewdnesses since last summer has been named by the police. His name is James St. Goddard. If you see him, please call the police and then break line of sight so he doesn’t masturbate to you. Sexual assault is never funny. But I think we might agree that some of St. Goddard’s schemes muddled the line between crime and comedy:

During the sixth incident on Nov. 7, 2013, a female student was approached by the man as she was walking down the stairs in the Language Arts Building. Prosecutors allege St. Goddard offered to help her carry a box, but pretended to trip when he reached the bottom of the stairs. While he was on the ground, he allegedly looked up her skirt and grabbed her buttocks with one hand and her crotch with the other, while attempting to pull up her skirt.

At press time, this master criminal remains at large.

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