michele bachmann Archives

Close Readings: Michele Bachmann declares End Times

By Dan Brooks in Close Reading October 8, 2013 3 Comments

A rare image from Stars Without Makeup catches Michele Bachmann without her prosthetic eyes.

Our fine furloughed friend The Cure sent me a link to this radio interview Michele Bachmann did with a show called Understanding the Times, in which she declares that we are in “God’s end times.” “Maranatha come Lord Jesus,” the Minnesota congresswoman said, “His day is at hand.” You can read a distilled version of her gibbering godspeak here. “Maranatha,” by the way, is an Aramaic expression that either means “our lord has come” or the imperative “come, lord.” It is also a brand of nut butter. Close reading of Bachmann’s particular brand of nut butter after the jump.

Meanwhile, inside Michele Bachmann’s head

By Dan Brooks in inside Michele Bachmann's head April 10, 2013 3 Comments

Michele Bachmann watches her owner eat a hot dog.

Michele Bachmann watches her groomer eat a hot dog.

Picture space as a balloon with pennies stuck all over the surface. The balloon surface is the space-time manifold that we know; the pennies are points within that manifold. Now inflate the balloon a little more, so that all the pennies move apart. This is the expansion of the universe that has been occurring at nearly the speed of light for the last six billion years. Now inflate the balloon even more, until it pops and you accidentally inhale several pennies, plus balloon parts and glue. Wave your arms. Suck gallons of Coca-Cola into your lungs in an attempt to dissolve the pennies, until you pass out and hit your head on the toilet. Did you see the explosion of white stars? That is the best analogy we have for the extradimensional space known as the inside of Michele Bachmann’s head. It is a white-hot field that our instruments cannot penetrate, and it is in trouble.

Friday links! Dastardly villains edition

By Dan Brooks in Friday Links July 20, 2012 0 Comment

Rush Limbaugh threatens to crush the local orphanage like a pastrami sandwich in which the pastrami is just right, a little fatty but trimmed, with a hot mustard and no mayonnaise, dammit.

One of the most disappointing aspects of adulthood is the shortage of real villains. As a child conditioned by Thundercats and Bubble Tape commercials, I believed that adulthood would be cleanly divided into kind, decent people and cackling devils. Imagine my disappointment. For the most part, maniacal and cruel are in short supply in the actual world, vastly outnumbered by such boring traits as inconsiderate and selfish. Genuine evil is hard to come by. That said, ordinary humans can still reach cartoonish heights of dicketry if they really put their minds to it. Today is Friday, and our link roundup is chockablock with schmucks who suck, along with a brief burst of late-stage heroism. Won’t you stroke a white cat with me?

Meanwhile, inside Michele Bachmann’s head

By Dan Brooks in inside Michele Bachmann's head August 31, 2011 4 Comments

Take my wife—please, make her bring an unwanted pregnancy to term.

Borrowing a strategy that has never backfired on a political figure in recent memory, Michele Bachmann opined last weekend that Hurricane Irene and the earthquake that hit DC were messages from an angry god. “I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians,” she told a campaign audience in Sarasota. “We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?'” According to Bachmann, the source of God’s anger was clear: out-of-control government spending. Also, a teenage girl in Dade County was wearing really short shorts, but mostly it was the budget deficit. God is a known fiscal conservative; still, certain people felt that it was inappropriate to connect fatal natural disasters to campaign issues. So on Monday, Bachmann explained that she was joking. Quote after the jump.

Marcus Bachmann presents nation with etiquette problem

By Dan Brooks in Existential Dilemmas July 14, 2011 10 Comments

Michele and Marcus Bachmann—which of these people is insufficiently accustomed to making false pledges?

In her ongoing attempt to turn “job creators” into a political meme synonymous with “rich people,” Michele Bachmann has made much of the mental health clinic she founded with her husband, Marcus Bachmann, PhD. Although Marcus and Michele deny it, the Bachmann Clinic has been accused of performing “reparative therapy”—an APA-discounted approach to changing the orientations of homosexuals. Basically, it’s a pray-the-gay-away therapy, in which deeply conflicted homosexuals are told to read the Bible, repress their same-sex attractions and, if necessary, commit to lives of celibacy. Telling people that their romantic impulses are unnatural and possibly the result of a malevolent, supernatural force is clearly the best way for a board-certified psychiatrist to promulgate mental health, so we’re not even going to talk about that. Instead, we’re going to address a stickier, even more deeply throbbing problem, which I think Jon Stewart captures nicely in this video:

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Marcus Bachmann: that man is a homosexual.