Since August, when Sarah Palin was eaten by a Grue as a result of staying in a darkened area too long while studying foreign policy, a replicant version of her body has been operated by a funny snake. We know this. What you may not know is that the snake finally finished writing that book—which is currently being edited to remove numerous and baffling references to the warmth of field mice—and he is now free to pilot Sarah Palin’s body around the country, collecting multi-thousand dollar speaker fees and making his views known. Like most snakes, the one controlling Palin’s body is friendly and inquisitive, and spends most of his time scanning the ground in search of candy and coins, which he hopes to barter for social acceptance. In that capacity, he’s discovered a possible left-wing conspiracy and a change in our minting policy that may shock and disturb you.
The snake, whose name is also Sarah Palin, announced his findings at a fund-rasing banquet for Wisconsin Right to Life on Friday. Video of the event does not exist, since members of the media, cameras, tape recorders and cell phones were all banned from the hall, presumably to contain scrutiny of Palin’s jerky movements and constant tasting of the air. Observing that there had been a lot of “change” lately, Palin pointed out that the phrase “In God We Trust” had been moved to the edge of the newly-minted Presidential one dollar coins, whereas previous coins had “In God We Trust” on the face. “Who calls a shot like that?” Palin said. “Who makes a decision like that?” Then the Palin replicant’s vocoder device shorted out, obliterating the rest of the snake’s remarks: “I genuinely do not have this information. Please help me understand your society. Jesus Christ, was that an owl?”
It turns out that “who calls a shot like that” is a Republican-controlled Congress, which passed the Presidential $1 Coin Act of 2005. The bill was subsequently signed into law by then-President George W. Bush, who believed that the name of his god should be not only on our money, but also in our schools, at the beginning of our baseball games and rodeos, and all over various bumper stickers. In 2007, a Democrat-controlled Congress reversed the 2005 decision, and moved “In God We Trust” back to the face of the coins. It’s understandable that the snake would not know any of this, considering that he was hatched early this spring and has had a lot of catching up to do.
Palin went on to speculate that, if certain policy makers don’t respect the life of a wriggling, limbless fetus in a womb, then “perhaps the same mind-set applies to other persons,” especially those who might be covered by public-option health insurance. “What may they feel about an elderly person who doesn’t have a whole lot of productive years left?” Palin asked, although the audience mistook her question for rhetorical. “And what about the child who perhaps isn’t deemed normal or perfect per someone’s subjective measure of their use or questionable purpose in the eyes of a panel of bureaucrats making our health care decisions for us?” The snake’s remarks demonstrated his deep concern for children, the disabled and the elderly, and also that he is getting a lot of his information from chain emails.
Almost all of Palin’s assertions could be disproven in one trip to Snopes.com, but how could a snake know of such a website, much less operate the complicated Palin replicant hand control levers skillfully enough to type it in? He would have to work at Fox News, which fact-checked Palin’s remarks and subsequently refuted them on-air. That Fox, which had previously been an ardent supporter of both the original, non Grue-eaten Sarah Palin and her replicant, would now go out of its way to publicly embarrass her is a vote of no confidence in the snake. As likable as he is, he needs to start researching his remarks a little more carefully, or he’s going to lose the support of the millions of Americans heretofore captivated by that famous snake magic. If he doesn’t clean up his act soon, that snake is going to have to go back to Alaska and live with Todd and raise Sarah Palin’s children, and he hates that.