Army officer ordered to use “psy-ops” on visiting congressmen

By Dan Brooks in lying 4 Comments

In this case, you should probably just use the plane.

 

First of all, lest you misjudge how it feels to have psy-ops used on you, the p is silent. According to this article in an evidently self-impressed Rolling Stone, Lieutenant General William Caldwell ordered members of his Information Operations unit to use psychological manipulation techniques on senators and congressmen visiting Camp Eggers* in Kabul. Lieutenant Colonel Michael Holmes claims that Caldwell told his unit to gather background information on John McCain, Al Franken, Armed Services Committee chair Carl Levin and other legislators, in order to use psy-ops tactics to convince them to devote more money and troops to the Afghan War. “How do we get these guys to give us more people?” Caldwell demanded. “What do I have to plant inside their heads?” As one might expect, the Army is prohibited from using propaganda and/or psychological warfare techniques on US citizens—much less members of Congress—and this shit is totally illegal. Also, it doesn’t take a military background check to figure out what will break John McCain’s psyche. Tiger cage: no; woman with nice jawline: yes.

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Happy Contrarian’s Day

By Dan Brooks in Public Discourse 1 Comment

This Darwinian valentine courtesy of defectiveyeti.com.

It’s Valentine’s Day, which means I will be taking even more opportunity than usual to discomfit others with jokes about how I will inevitably die alone. The best part about feeling incapable of normal social interaction is that it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy; you keep telling people that you don’t know how to get along, and eventually they are forced to concede your point. The power of such contrarianism is nowhen more evident than on Valentine’s Day, when smug assholes like myself are moved to observe that A) the holiday and probably the very concept of romantic love are blatant constructions of a society bent on making us buy stuff and/or have children who will subsequently buy stuff, and also B) we do not have a date this year. There are so many of us, and yet we are all alone. Contrarianism is a trap, and I submit as proof this amazing letter to the editors of The Economist refuting it.

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Least sympathetic man ever constructs even less sympathetic defense

By Dan Brooks in corporatocracy 2 Comments

The source of all Erzinger's suffering

About a month ago, we discussed Martin Joel Erzinger, the Solomon Smith Barney money manager who ran over a surgeon and then fled the scene—only to have his felony charges dropped by the Eagle County district attorney, who helpfully explained that he didn’t want to hurt Erzinger’s ability to make money. Those charges have since been re-filed, presumably as a result of massive outrage rays bombarding the Eagle County DA’s office and making the coke stick to the hookers. Recognizing that their client once again faces a PR disaster, Erzinger’s attorneys have constructed a new defense: his Mercedes was so new that its overpowering new Mercedes smell messed him up. Now to sit back and let the sympathy roll in.

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Citing “job implications,” DA drops charges against money manager

By Dan Brooks in Class Warfare 5 Comments

A card from "Oligopoly," the board game which I personally invented with no outside input whatsoever

A Colorado district attorney has dropped felony charges against Martin Joel Erzinger, the money manager for Morgan Stanley Smith Barney who allegedly fled the scene after striking a bicyclist with his Mercedes in July. Props to Pete “Bones” Jones for the link. Also, for expedience, the reader should add “allegedly” to virtually every sentence in today’s blog post. I’m going to skip it from here on out, but I don’t want the alleged Erzinger’s lawyers to use their allegedly bottomless sack of money and influence to sue me for alleged slander—which they could easily do, since Erzinger is allegedly a law unto himself. Eagle County prosecutors essentially admitted as much when they explained that they had reduced charges so as not to jeopardize Erzinger’s ability to make even more money. As a securities dealer, he would be required by NASD regulations to reveal any felony conviction to his clients, and that simply would not do. “Felony convictions have some pretty serious job implications for someone in Mr. Erzinger’s profession,” said DA Mark Hurlbert, “and that entered into it.”

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Friday links! We’ll be running the asylum now, Dr. Adler edition

By Dan Brooks in Friday Links 4 Comments

Remember last summer, when the Tea Party emerged as a suspiciously nationwide coalition of the laughably uninformed dedicated to defeating health care reform through yelling? Fifteen months later, many of the morons are poised to become senators. What, to quote Mary Todd Lincoln, the fuck happened? The Tea Party went from a national joke to a presumed congressional force, with no attendant increase in sensemaking or even a beer hall putsch. It’s as if the responsible elements of this country unanimously agreed to cede control to the stupid and crazy, not because it’s a good idea so much as because they demanded it so loudly. The lunatics’ plan of shouting and refusing to participate in group has worked perfectly, and now they are ready to assume managerial control of the asylum. If you think I’m overstating the case, have a look at this Friday’s link roundup. It’s chock full of evidence to suggest that the closest we’ve ever come to an American fascist party is working, and it’s the perfect way to blast into your weekend on a jet of pure rage.

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