Pchowwwwwwwwwzzzt!

It cannot be a coincidence that two historically unusual events both occurred yesterday. First, the Pope retired—something that hasn’t happened in 600 years. Hours later, North Korea announced that it had completed a third underground nuclear test—something that hasn’t happened ever, and which only has two near precedents. These events are so rare that the odds of them both happening on the same day are nigh infinitesimal. There can only be one explanation: they are the same event. Irrefutable argument for North Korean supremacy after the jump.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDJy_8nC_OU

Hatchets? Sweet Jesus. In the interest of journalistic scruple, I am not completely certain that this video really was the nuclear announcement broadcast on North Korean state television yesterday, as it purports to be. Nobody knows. In an age of instantaneous global communication and 86% video monitoring of cats, North Korea is somehow a nation of 25 million people where we have no idea what’s going on. Here is an image of the Korean peninsula at night:

We don’t even know exactly how old Kim Jong-un is. We do know that he is the son of Kim Jong Il. Look at that name for a second. Say it out loud. Now say “John Paul II.” Kim Jong Il…John Paul II…they are basically both the same name. So we know that North Korea has tried to make a nuclear Pope before. We know that until yesterday, they lacked two materials:

1. Fissile plutonium
2. Pope

Approximately 24 hours ago, in one fell swoop, their fever dreams came true. Benedict’s retirement means that the international black market is now flooded with Popes. We know Pyongyang has plutonium, most likely left over from their joint attempts with Iran to create an atomic mullah. Combining the two is not a question of how, but when.

Really, all that is left is to speculate on the nuclear Pope’s likely powers, so that we can nurse some hope of containing him. We know that he will be able to shoot black fire out of his hands and probably mouth. We know that he will have x-ray eyes. We know that he will love Twitter, and from that communications system we know that he has dire plans for humanity:

Eternal poverty and obedience, huh? Sounds like the domestic policy of a certain rogue state in southeast Asia, to me. We were fools not to see it sooner. We would be fools not to recognize it now.

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