Arizona senator and former Republican presidential candidate John McCain—who, incidentally, doesn’t have any particular plans for 2012—remarked Saturday that a portion of the Arizona wildfires were started by immigrants. “There is substantial evidence that some of these fires have been caused by people who have crossed our border illegally,” McCain said at a press conference. “The answer to that part of the problem is to get a secure border.” As of press time, McCain has not provided said evidence to the public, nor has he described what its substance may be. But the important thing is that we used to start our own fires in this country, and being an arsonist/bolt of lightning used to mean something, but now—thanks to immigrants—decent, hard-working Americans have to sit home taskless, drinking their wives’ unsold beer and staring at their oddly deathless boobs. No word yet from McCain on who’s been poisoning wells.
According to CNN, local media outlets have been reporting “anecdotal cases”* of fires breaking out in areas near the border. McCain said that illegal immigrants use such fires to communicate, keep warm or distract law enforcement officials—which, in his defense, are the three uses to which fire can be put. If there’s one thing we know about Mexicans, it’s that they communicate via smoke signals as they move across the chaparral. Okay, we know nothing about Mexicans. But there sure are a lot more of them in Arizona than there were in John McCain’s memory of 1976, when he was a spry young buck of 40.
It should be noted here that John McCain’s memory only records white people. If you need a Mexican, you’re going to have to ask his imagination. How the senator Newsweek once called “the most trusted man in America” went from refusing early repatriation under torture to accusing an entire race of arson is anybody’s guess. I figure it has something to do with turning 140 years old, but I don’t know. What I do know is that “evidence” is no good if you refuse to show it to anybody. That’s what makes it evident. Until you produce it, you are just an elected official using a natural disaster to incite racial hatred. Cindy McCain, I assume that you are reading this after you thought you were opening Catbomb!, the blog about well-to-do cats, and I hope you will tell your husband. I’m sorry for what I said about your boobs.