Greetings from Washington DC, the hangover capital of our great nation! I have no idea what happened to my renal system last night. While I regain homeostasis, why don’t you enjoy this extremely half-assed collection of Friday links? They are united only in their profound uselessness, both to society and to the human spirit. They are also completely awesome and, since that’s how we roll, unsafe for work. Have I alienated both readers I’d retained up to this point? Then let’s get down to business.
Those of you wondering what sort of writing I am just slightly above doing for money should take a look at this review of MiO Liquid Water Enhancer. Those of you who would like to write your own reviews but have trouble coming up with a fun way to start them should also take note. “Have you heard of liquid water enhancer before?” reviewer Steve wisely begins. “Well, I received a package of MiO liquid water enhancer for review and it allows you to make your drink in your own way.” Well, I’m pretty sure we have hit on a lead that works for everything. Have you heard of Darfur before? Well, I went there with the Associated Press, and the janjaweed have taken control of the southern highlands. Get ready to see a lot more of this kind of proto-journalism as the internet becomes our society’s primary advertising medium, and as that same internet allows overseas content spinners to cheaply provide marketers with hundreds of words on any subject. Also, “MiO Liquid” sounds a lot like “My O Liquid,” something you must never, ever drink, no matter how much you want to make your drink in your own way.
I’m Dan Brooks, and I love The Professor Brothers. I love the weird aggression behind the main one’s insistent self-deprecation. I love that Steve, whose behavior in this video is far more likable than his brother’s, still strikes me as the asshole one. And I love gratuitous profanity. Fortunately, Brad Neeley has made one hundred videos exactly like this one.
If you prefer more subtle humor—and I genuinely don’t understand why you would—I direct you to this Onion report on the stunning success of the reality show Ghost Hunters in documenting paranormal activity. Want a free humor technique that you can apply effectively almost every time? Treat an absurd proposition as the basis for a logical progression of conclusions. Example: Barack Obama does not have a legitimate United States birth certificate. Now that he has become President and thereby established himself as the world’s—if not history’s—greatest forger, he is far too valuable an asset for the US intelligence community to simply let retire. Continue.
Okay, so it doesn’t always work. You know what does? This thing. I’m not going to say how long I sat transfixed before my bleeping, pulsing field of squares, but it was longer than 20 minutes and less than 20 years. Beyond that, little is certain.