Now Trump wants to see his college grades

By Dan Brooks in Birthers 4 Comments

"So I'm sittin' there on the (fudging) bus and this (fudging) midget gets on, just little as (sugar,) and all of a sudden I've got the biggest (fudging) (barnyard) of my life. I don't know why."

Combat! blog’s east coast odyssey continues, with all the inattention and substance abuse that entails, so now seems like as good a time as any to keep following Donald Trump through the slipstream of American bullshit like the great white whale he is. Hot on the heels of the White House’s release of President Obama’s birth certificate, Trump has demanded to see his college transcripts. “The word is, according to what I’ve read, that he was a terrible student when he went to Occidental,” Trump said. “He then gets to Columbia; he then gets to Harvard. How do you get into Harvard if you’re not a good student? Now, maybe that’s right, or maybe it’s wrong. But I don’t know why he doesn’t release his records.” Here’s a tip for those of you still interested in behaving responsibly in a functional society: if you’ve sort of heard something, and you don’t know whether it’s right or wrong, maybe wait to call a press conference. Unless you’re afraid people might stop looking at you.

 

White House releases Obama birth certificate

By Dan Brooks in Just Sayin' Stuff 5 Comments

Okay, now he just needs to see the Obama baby, and we'll be all set.

I’m sure you didn’t hear about this already, but the White House has released President Obama’s long-form birth certificate. Is it a capitulation to the worst aspects of American political and media culture? Yup. Will it put to rest the most stubborn crazy accusation in same? Um…your answer here probably depends on whether you prefer feeling good or being right. Has it provided an opportunity for Donald Trump to once again confirm himself as the world’s loudest shitbag? Oh yes: “I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully, getting rid of this issue,” Trump told reporters. “Now we have to look at [the birth certificate], see if it is real, is it proper.” Donald Trump’s assessment of what’s real is like a bee’s assessment of what’s yellow. Bees see in black and white and the ultraviolet spectrum. Look, the point is that this is all bullshit, and I need a haircut.

 

 

Today in genius behavior

By Dan Brooks in Etiquette 7 Comments

The Hawkeyes start off one and three again.

Combat! blog is hustling to make its train this morning—trains! east coast! food that employs seasonings!—so I have to use one half of my ass to pack. But don’t worry—the other half is completely devoted to this post. Those of us who have spent the weekend with Iowans were thrilled* at the news that Ellen Lewin, anthropology professor at our beloved U of I, responded to a campus-wide email from college Republicans with an outburst of profanity. In case you’re wondering, A) “F*** you!” means “Fuck you!” and B) I know because I was somehow able to crack Raw Story’s complex cipher and C) “responded to a campus-wide email” means “hit reply all.” Ellen Lewin is fifty. She is also in trouble, despite having issued the world’s most petulant non-apology.

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A theory of taste: fantastic naturalism

By Dan Brooks in Contemporary Media 6 Comments

First, I’m warning you right now that there is going to be way less Combat! blog than you want this week, yet way more than I actually have time to write. Here’s a pro tip for all you freelancers out there: tell everyone you’re going on vacation. I have received more projects labeled “emergency” since I went on vacation than I had previously gotten in my entire career. The next time you see me, I will be wearing a panda skin monocle. Second, the Theory of Taste promised in the headline is not the useful kind of aesthetic theory. It is a theory of my taste, which is notoriously bizarre. Ready? Yesterday, while inflicting an interpretive rendition of a cartoon I had seen six years ago on my brother, who has long since reconciled himself to such tortures, I realized that there is a through-line in much of the animated humor that I like: ultra-naturalistic dialogue and voice acting in the context of fantastic situations. I think that cartoons in which monsters, superheroes, space cowboys and other fantasy characters have to live in apartments and work at jobs are hilarious. Those of you once forced by the pursuit of English degrees to read the execrable Gabriel Garcia Marquez are familiar with the literary genre known as magical realism, in which key aspects of human consciousness go unaddressed in favor of love turning women into butterflies. That sucks. But what does not suck is the style of humor that I’m going to call Fantastic Naturalism.

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Friday links! Disruption of normal life routines edition

By Dan Brooks in Friday Links 2 Comments

Greetings from Washington DC, the hangover capital of our great nation! I have no idea what happened to my renal system last night. While I regain homeostasis, why don’t you enjoy this extremely half-assed collection of Friday links? They are united only in their profound uselessness, both to society and to the human spirit. They are also completely awesome and, since that’s how we roll, unsafe for work. Have I alienated both readers I’d retained up to this point? Then let’s get down to business.

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