We all love Donald Trump, but what if he dies before he can make America great again? That would be the only way ISIS, China and Mexico could win, unless you count Hillary Clinton. Fortunately, Trump has released an open letter from his physician, Dr. Harold N. Bornstein of the beautiful Lenox Hill Hospital, testifying that health-wise, the candidate is great. “If elected,” Bornstein writes, “Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”
First of all, Abraham Lincoln wrestled professionally, so let’s be careful what we unequivocally state. Second, there are reasons to doubt the absolute credibility of this letter. For one, Trump attributed it to “the highly respected Dr. Jacob Bornstein of Lenox Hill Hospital,” which the astute reader will note is not Harold Bornstein’s name. The letter also begins, “To Whom My Concern,” suggesting that Trump dictated it himself and the stenographer misheard his rhetorical question, “For whom am I concerned?”
Finally, Dr. Bornstein writes that a recent medical examination of the candidate “showed only positive results.” Positive for strep, positive for Van Patten’s Syndrome—a disease that causes hair loss everywhere but the hair line—positive for cocaine: we don’t know, because the letter mentions no specific tests or their outcomes. As the Times puts it, the letter strikes a tone “oddly similar to how Mr. Trump talks about himself.”
It’s awesome, in other words, and I thank Trump for taking a moment away from running intervals to give it to us. Please don’t die. Please don’t become president, either; run as an independent and usher in the division of the Republican Party that scripture has long foretold. You’re our charismatic, goat-legged leader. We need you to rise up before you keel over.