Trump releases typo-ridden, superficially inaccurate proof of health

The future "healthiest individual ever to be elected to the presidency," per his doctor

The future “healthiest individual ever to be elected to the presidency”

We all love Donald Trump, but what if he dies before he can make America great again? That would be the only way ISIS, China and Mexico could win, unless you count Hillary Clinton. Fortunately, Trump has released an open letter from his physician, Dr. Harold N. Bornstein of the beautiful Lenox Hill Hospital, testifying that health-wise, the candidate is great. “If elected,” Bornstein writes, “Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

First of all, Abraham Lincoln wrestled professionally, so let’s be careful what we unequivocally state. Second, there are reasons to doubt the absolute credibility of this letter. For one, Trump attributed it to “the highly respected Dr. Jacob Bornstein of Lenox Hill Hospital,” which the astute reader will note is not Harold Bornstein’s name. The letter also begins, “To Whom My Concern,” suggesting that Trump dictated it himself and the stenographer misheard his rhetorical question, “For whom am I concerned?”

Finally, Dr. Bornstein writes that a recent medical examination of the candidate “showed only positive results.” Positive for strep, positive for Van Patten’s Syndrome—a disease that causes hair loss everywhere but the hair line—positive for cocaine: we don’t know, because the letter mentions no specific tests or their outcomes. As the Times puts it, the letter strikes a tone “oddly similar to how Mr. Trump talks about himself.”

It’s awesome, in other words, and I thank Trump for taking a moment away from running intervals to give it to us. Please don’t die. Please don’t become president, either; run as an independent and usher in the division of the Republican Party that scripture has long foretold. You’re our charismatic, goat-legged leader. We need you to rise up before you keel over.

Close Readings: Herman Cain’s preemptive denial

Not pictured: lower half of Herman Cain

LL Cool H, you guys: Ladies Love Cool Herman. More specifically, they love coolly accusing him of sexual misconduct. Last night, Cain told Wolf Blitzer that soon, someone somewhere would “accuse me of an affair for an extended period of time.” He meant the affair lasted for an extended period of time, but it will probably work the way he said it, too. As you can see, claiming that Cain grabbed your boob or dated you for 15 years or whatever in order to derail his otherwise perfect presidential campaign has become a real fad. You know what else is a fad? Lying. It’s so popular that people don’t even realize they’re doing it anymore, the way you had to tell your friend that he was saying smokin’!  too much in 1994. In last night’s preemptive denial of whatever thing he absolutely did not do with the lady he knew was about to accuse him of something, Cain forgot that not everyone has just watched The Mask. Quote after the jump.

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