Combat! - Page 341 of 406 - A blog by Dan Brooks

Citing “job implications,” DA drops charges against money manager

By Dan Brooks in Class Warfare November 10, 2010 5 Comments

A card from "Oligopoly," the board game which I personally invented with no outside input whatsoever

A Colorado district attorney has dropped felony charges against Martin Joel Erzinger, the money manager for Morgan Stanley Smith Barney who allegedly fled the scene after striking a bicyclist with his Mercedes in July. Props to Pete “Bones” Jones for the link. Also, for expedience, the reader should add “allegedly” to virtually every sentence in today’s blog post. I’m going to skip it from here on out, but I don’t want the alleged Erzinger’s lawyers to use their allegedly bottomless sack of money and influence to sue me for alleged slander—which they could easily do, since Erzinger is allegedly a law unto himself. Eagle County prosecutors essentially admitted as much when they explained that they had reduced charges so as not to jeopardize Erzinger’s ability to make even more money. As a securities dealer, he would be required by NASD regulations to reveal any felony conviction to his clients, and that simply would not do. “Felony convictions have some pretty serious job implications for someone in Mr. Erzinger’s profession,” said DA Mark Hurlbert, “and that entered into it.”

Times are tough for Indonesian Barack Obama impersonator

By Dan Brooks in obama November 9, 2010 1 Comment

Indonesian Barack Obama impersonator Ilham Anas, forced to ride the train like a schlub

Barack Obama is visiting Indonesia this week to talk about American-Muslim relations (have fun, buddy,) discuss Asia’s role in world economics, and maybe check in on his alma mater, State Elementary School 01 Menteng.* That’s great news for the people of Indonesia, who will finally encounter a man in a suit who does not exhort them to detonate night clubs or answer customer service calls. It’s less great news for Ilham Anas, who will suddenly find himself the second-best Barack Obama impersonator in town. Frankly, it’s another setback in a bad year. According to Anas, the President’s declining popularity has meant less work for him, as the mere sight of a man who strongly resembles Barack Obama is no longer sufficient to delight everyone. “This year, it’s definitely not like it was at the beginning,” Anas said in an interview with Reuters. “I still get jobs, but most of them are overseas.” And with that, Ilham Anas definitively establishes himself as a funnier Barack Obama impersonator than Fred Armisen.

Income distribution makes US resemble a Banana Republic

By Dan Brooks in Inequality November 8, 2010 7 Comments

Ways this Banana Republic ad resembles the Republican Party: even the not-white people are really white.

In the aftermath of the phrase “the aftermath of Tuesday’s elections” almost passing out of use, the United States must now turn to its most pressing problem: our hideously unfair treatment of the rich. If TAoTE has taught us anything, it’s that the American people will not stand for socialized medicine, handouts for the poor or even many public schools. No—the common man has spoken, and he demands lower taxes for the rich and deregulation of their various petro-boilers and chicken confinements. As usual, the common man is distinguished by his generosity. For although the rich have suffered terribly since FDR, weathering gales of progressive income taxes and share-the-weatlh schemes, they now command a share of this country’s wealth normally seen only in third-world nations. According to Nicholas Kristof, who appears to be biting his lip in his new headshot, “the richest 1 percent of Americans now take home almost 24 percent of income, up from almost 9 percent in 1976.”

Friday links! Impossibly broad social trends edition

By Dan Brooks in Friday Links November 5, 2010 2 Comments

Social interactions will become strangely more difficult as your appearance declines with aaaaaaage!

Now that the most world-altering and profound election in our nation’s history for at least the next two years has come and gone, it’s time to make broad pronouncements about the future. You know this game: each player makes a series of unfalsifiable claims about impossibly broad national, global and temporal trends, secure in the knowledge that the prediction will be forgotten long before the predicted comes to pass/turns out to be total bullshit. Sure, the prognostications and trendspotting say more about the biases and fears of the prognosti-spotter, but that’s always been the soothsaying game. Horoscopes, tarot cards, palms—they’re all just cold readings, and the job of the modern reader is no different. It’s the crystal ball in reverse—the mirror ball, if you will, and just because it insists on only telling us about the gypsy doesn’t make it any less reflective. Won’t you join the party?

In memoriam: Tea Party Nation email subjects

By Dan Brooks in Tea Party November 4, 2010 0 Comment

Tea Party Nation leader Judson Phillips, photographed here with his deputy, Ponderin' Joe Phillips

Now that Election Fever has passed, and we are left with only Election Post-Fever Palsy, it’s time to take stock of what we’ll miss. I personally miss the last campaign cycle in roughly the same way King Kong misses vaudeville, but it did have its highlights. There were the insane commercials, for example, which a slightly less hysterical electorate and some version of the DISCLOSE Act will hopefully ensure that we never see again. There was Christine O’Donnell, who is presumably doing buttershots in a Dave & Buster’s right now. Best of all, there was Tea Party Nation, whose unstoppable email apparatus sent me two, sometimes three emails a day.