It’s semi-official: sequestration has failed. The actual mechanism is going to function just fine; come tomorrow, $85 billion in domestic and military spending cuts that nobody likes will automatically go into place, because Congress could not obey their own pre-commitment device. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Sequestration was supposed to be so awful that it would force Democrats and Republicans to agree on alternative deficit reduction strategies. Instead, after months of arguing and temporizing, our legislators have set themselves to the hard work of accepting that sequestration isn’t so bad after all. Congress is like a man who ties a string around his finger to remember to buy insulin and, after several months, loses circulation and has his finger amputated. Here are some other pre-commitment devices that didn’t work on Congress.
Harry Reid (D-NV) wrote “remember milk” on his hand but wound up playing World of Warcraft until the store closed, so he had to eat dry granola the next morning. “It’s better this way,” he told the Washington Post.
Richard Shelby (R-AL) was going to keep growing his beard until the Crimson Tide won the SEC Championship, but then he drank three bottles of Ny-Quil and removed all the hair from his body.
Tom Harkin (D-IA) used Site-Blocker to prevent himself from looking at internet pornography and was subsequently caught masturbating at the library. He wasn’t really getting there anyway.
Orrin Hatch (R-UT) was going to read a chapter of the Bible every night before bed, but he got hooked on Twilight.
John Boehner (R-OH) told all his friends that he quit smoking, ran out of patches, switched to chew, started bumming cigarettes while he was chewing, eventually bought one pack of Camels and was found motionless 200 feet below the Congressional fire escape.
Rand Paul (R-KY) decided it was morally wrong to defecate outside his home state but was forced to compromise during a meeting of the Foreign Relations committee.
Michele Bachmann (R-MN) was never, ever going to reach into the dispose-all while it was running, but then she thought she saw a kitty in there.
John McCain (R-AZ) never really ate sweets, but fuck it.
Jim DeMint (R-SC) was going to set up direct deposit for his congressional paychecks, but when he called the bank lady sounded black.
Eric Cantor (R-VA) was just going to have one puppy, but then he ate the whole litter.