Friday links! Straight shootin’ edition

Pictured: much radder American flag, same old Mitt Romney.

I’m a straight shooter. I tell it like it is, by which I mean I tell it like I think with little regard for other people’s opinions. People don’t like to hear the truth. It follows that what other people don’t want to hear must necessarily be true. Society may not always welcome a plainspoken truth-teller like me, but that’s the price I pay for being honest. It’s certainly better than admitting that I am a dick. Today is Friday, and we’ve got a whole mess of uncurved shooting in our link roundup. Much of it is not what strict rhetoricians call true, but the gun still fires with an impressive bang. Won’t you peer down the barrel with me?

That picture of Romney and his significantly more terrifying flag comes from this New York Times article about his trip across the northeast, which quickly devolves into farce. It begins with him introducing his sons, Matt and Craig, by asserting that “I love them. I love them like they’re my own. And they are! Craig!” Then he talked about trains for twenty minutes. Later, Romney goes to Wawa for the first time, then raves about “Wawa’s” to the decidedly anti-Wawa crowd in Cornwell, PA while the governor shots “delis! delis!” This election is going to be awesome.

Why get bogged down in words, though, when you can make your positions clear through objects?


That’s Arizona congressional candidate Ron Gould shooting the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. Check out the :09 mark for a surprise appearance by Arizona Rasputin!

You can just look at Ron Gould shooting important legislation and see that he’s a no-nonsense guy. By the same principle, you can look at Douglas Schoen and see that his head has been covered by a Band-Aid for several days. Schoen’s contribution to the Times roundtable on the influence of the Tea Party starts with a bald-faced lie: “The Tea Party began as a genuine bipartisan movement when thousands of tax protest rallies sprung up across the country on April 15, 2009.” He pretty much goes from there, noting that “on the eve of the 2010 midterm elections, the Tea Party movement was the most powerful political force in America.” Sorry, two major parties. Douglas Schoen has a Raisinette where his soul should be.

Once, he was a little boy. Longtime readers of The Onion will have their own favorite subgenres, but I personally like the existential despair story. We get a prime example of the form with Middle-Aged Woman Angrily Demanding Price Check On Rice Pudding Was Once Carefree Youth, Onlookers Speculate. The sweep of a human life seen through the clouding lens of age is funny. Ask Jorge Borges.

Don’t ask Meek Mill. He will pour champagne on you and tell you to go fuck yourself, and then probably hug you. This jam is better on something with bass.

 My personal favorite is the Larry/Larry couplet that starts around 2:17. My second favorite is every other moment of that wonderful song.

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