Owing to a dispute wherein I wanted him to stop fucking up and he didn’t, I stopped seeing my old dentist. It had therefore been a while1 since my last cleaning when I consulted Ike Heaphy, DDS. Reader, let me tell you about a phenomenal dentist. Not only did he look in my mouth and find no cavities, but he also scheduled me for a two-hour, comprehensive cleaning. That cleaning occurred this morning, and now I am just blood. I belch and it tastes like blood. I eat a Triscuit, stupidly, and my gums emit blood. I run my tongue over the pleasing, tartar-free contours of my lower dentarinos and taste blood. I’m squeaky clean but pretty gross, is what I’m saying here, and my usual gameness was spent in the chair. I’m going to sip La Croix, shiver a little, and get back to you tomorrow. In the meantime, how about you watch some epée videos. Did I tell you I competed in an epée tournament for like six hours on Saturday? My legs were feeling pretty sore, until I did this thing with the teeth.