Art Wittich is in court, and I’m in the New York Times

By Dan Brooks in Uncategorized 7 Comments
Art Wittich has no plans to give you a dollar.

Art Wittich has no plans to give you a dollar.

Despite a guest editorial protesting his innocence his accusers’ politics, Art Wittich is still the subject of a campaign finance lawsuit. Commissioner of Political Practices Jonathan Motl alleges Wittich failed to report significant in-kind contributions from dark money groups during the 2010 election. “My political opponents are pleased that I have been forced to spend time and money defending myself against the thought police in a bogus lawsuit,” Wittich wrote, responding to Motl’s claim that the representative from Belgrade took “the works”—a package of staffing, lease management, direct mailing, and campaign strategy—from the anti-union group Right to Work. This story began when federal agents found a box of documents in a Colorado meth house linking various Montana Republicans to the fined-and-now-defunct Western Traditions Partnership, and it’s gotten weirder ever since. It’s going to be awesome when Rep. Wittich is exonerated of any wrongdoing and we find out he really is the victim of a conspiracy. You can read all about it in this week’s column for the Missoula Independent.

In other news, I’m in the New York Times Magazine today (on the web, and in print this weekend) with a Letter of Recommendation: Joke Dollar. Those of you who know me probably know about this genius custom already. Now it belongs to the world, and you can look forward to people handing you dollars every time you observe that a mermaid’s pussy smells like land. That’s the joke Sarah Aswell made in the first paragraph, which the Times understandably did not find suitable for its audience. It suited hell out of me, though, ten years ago when she made it and today. Thanks to all you jokers for giving me something to write about in my doddering middle age. We’ll be back tomorrow with Friday links.

Is this satire?

By Dan Brooks in Is this ironic? 1 Comment
The Gawker article in question

The Gawker article in question

Yesterday, Gawker published this article titled I Haven’t Seen Star Wars Yet But I Bet it Doesn’t Pass the Bechdel Test. Presumably, it was not sincere. It seems to be a response to reports that Star Wars: The Force Awakens passes the Bechdel Test, a standard of gender representation in film that demands two named female characters talk to each other about something other than a man. Gawker contributor Allie Jones argues that although she has not seen The Force Awakens—or any Star Wars movie, for that matter—it is extremely unlikely that the new sequel is Bechdel-compliant. Quote:

Think about it for one second: A Star Wars movie that passes the Bechdel test? Uhh, sure. Not.

I haven’t seen this new movie yet, nor have I seen any of the other Star Wars movies. I’m still pretty confident that there is no Star Wars scene in which two women talk about something other than a man or a male robot or whatever.

I’m going to say she is putting us on. Contradicting the account of people who saw the new Star Wars movie on her authority as a person who has seen no Star Wars movies seems too egregious to be sincere. What we have here is some form of irony, but is it satire? Or what?

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Trump releases typo-ridden, superficially inaccurate proof of health

By Dan Brooks in Republican Candidates 0 Comment
The future "healthiest individual ever to be elected to the presidency," per his doctor

The future “healthiest individual ever to be elected to the presidency”

We all love Donald Trump, but what if he dies before he can make America great again? That would be the only way ISIS, China and Mexico could win, unless you count Hillary Clinton. Fortunately, Trump has released an open letter from his physician, Dr. Harold N. Bornstein of the beautiful Lenox Hill Hospital, testifying that health-wise, the candidate is great. “If elected,” Bornstein writes, “Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

First of all, Abraham Lincoln wrestled professionally, so let’s be careful what we unequivocally state. Second, there are reasons to doubt the absolute credibility of this letter. For one, Trump attributed it to “the highly respected Dr. Jacob Bornstein of Lenox Hill Hospital,” which the astute reader will note is not Harold Bornstein’s name. The letter also begins, “To Whom My Concern,” suggesting that Trump dictated it himself and the stenographer misheard his rhetorical question, “For whom am I concerned?”

Finally, Dr. Bornstein writes that a recent medical examination of the candidate “showed only positive results.” Positive for strep, positive for Van Patten’s Syndrome—a disease that causes hair loss everywhere but the hair line—positive for cocaine: we don’t know, because the letter mentions no specific tests or their outcomes. As the Times puts it, the letter strikes a tone “oddly similar to how Mr. Trump talks about himself.”

It’s awesome, in other words, and I thank Trump for taking a moment away from running intervals to give it to us. Please don’t die. Please don’t become president, either; run as an independent and usher in the division of the Republican Party that scripture has long foretold. You’re our charismatic, goat-legged leader. We need you to rise up before you keel over.

Selection committee had “no meaningful role” in choosing UI prez

By Dan Brooks in Go berserk? 0 Comment
Former Boston Market executive and new University of Iowa president Bruce Harreld

Former Boston Market executive and new University of Iowa president Bruce Harreld

Back in September, after 97% of faculty and staff polled said he was unqualified to hold the job, The University of Iowa community was surprised when the Board of Regents selected J. Bruce Harreld as its new president. Harreld, a former Boston Market executive with no academic administrative experience, was up against the president of Oberlin College and the provost of Ohio State University, among others. His entire application packet consisted of a three-page resume, which turned out to inaccurately list his most recent employer, and he was consistently the last choice of every stakeholder group consulted. But he was also the only candidate to speak on the phone with Governor Branstad, and he met privately with the regents during the selection process. Last week, the American Association of University Professors released its report on the matter, which found that the UI Presidential Search and Screen Committee played no meaningful role in Harreld’s selection. According to AAUP, his appointment was a “crude exercise in naked power” on the part of the regents.

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Friday links! Dream of history edition

By Dan Brooks in Friday Links 0 Comment
Ronald Reagan gets the last word at the brokered GOP convention of 1976.

Ronald Reagan gets the last word at the brokered GOP convention of 1976.

Remember adolescence, when you read 1984, studied the Great Depression and rise of Hitler, and lamented, in your childish way, that history basically stopped after your parents were adolescents? Remember wishing history would happen right now? Here you go, asshole. The middle class is evacuating, an ineffective political class serves the rich at the expense of its own popularity, and a charismatic maniac is rising to power on a platform of militant ethnic nationalism. Today is Friday, and events are starting to eerily resemble those dark days before the Republican National Convention of 1976. Won’t you thank goodness there’s no other parallel with me?

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