Ted Cruz is the character Phil Hartman never got to play.
Donald Trump is shocked and disgusted at what happened to Ben Carson in Iowa. On Monday night, around the time the caucuses began, the Cruz campaign sent notes like this one to leaders in its ground operation:
Trump tweeted this image around noon today. It could be a fake, but I want it to be real because it is wonderful. I sincerely hope Spencer Rogers is not the only Cruz staffer who signs his emails, “For Liberty.” What’s more delightful is that this misleading email is technically true. Carson did take time off from the campaign trail (to stop by his house on his way to New Hampshire.) He will make some kind of announcement next week (as he continues to campaign for president.) Cruz apologized for the misunderstanding just as soon as caucus night was over. But Trump is not going to let him treat Dr. Carson like that.
He is also probably gay.
It’s Halloween, and instead of candy, a person the Atlantic describes as “an outspoken woman in North Dakota” plans to give overweight trick-or-treaters notes for their parents explaining that they are fat. Not the parents—the kids are fat in this scenario, although it’s likely that everyone in their family has similar eating habits, and the kid probably only went as a pumpkin/Jabba the Hutt/Honda Civic because a combination of genetics and environment have made him obese at an age when he has almost zero control over his daily routine or health. But fuck that. Your kid is fat. You sent him out for candy, and he came home with shame. Also probably a lot of candy, since not everyone in North Dakota is a relentless bitch.