I got into public service because I want to help people. As you may have heard, I recently made several hundred million dollars selling my column to Lee Enterprises. Now that I am rich, I can do whatever I want, and what I want most is to fight for you, the ordinary, struggling, not-at-all-rich stupid asshole. I love you, and that’s why I am running for governor. I’m also up for US representative, and I wouldn’t say no to the Senate or even a judicial appointment, if it’s federal. I just really, really want to help people. Sometimes I want to help them so much I attack one of them.
I don’t want to do it, of course. I apologize for doing it, in the past and, unavoidably, in the future. It’s just that so many things are fake, especially questions. Don’t you hate it when somebody asks you a fake question? I come into public life full of cold-pressed juices and good intentions, with a message anyone can understand: “I’m here to help. Put me in charge.” But immediately people start in with the fakery, asking “how do you plan to help?” and “what do you think about this other plan to help?” until I’m just like SHUT UP YOU FAKE SON OF A BLLLEEAARGH! And then I help them through a coffee table.
Anyway, I think politics is a natural fit for me. It’s certainly the the most direct way to help people, by making laws for them and stuff. I would also like to create jobs. Ever since I got rich, I’ve been worried that not enough people are working. You can read all about my new life as a helpful and violent multimillionaire in this week’s column for the Missoula Independent. As with all my columns, I wrote it six months ago, so I’m lucky that recent events unfolded the way they did. We’ll be back tomorrow with Friday links!