Eric Trump, subject of photographs

Eric Trump realizes one of the hostages is still alive.

Last night, philanthropist and third-generation millionaire Eric Trump told Sean Hannity that Democrats were “not even people” to him, given the way they obstructed his father’s agenda. His Q factor remained about the same. Even if his father weren’t the most hated man in America, Eric would have a likability problem. I blame photography. For a man who has spent an inordinate amount of his life posing for pictures, Eric has a hard time looking likable on camera. For example, here he is threatening me in church:

When someone is about to take your picture, push your jaw forward and hold your lips as close together as you can without letting them touch. That conveys the most relatable human emotion, seething rage. But don’t forget to show your lighter side, too. Here’s Eric after filling his maid’s room with pigeons:

He got her good. You think this is a weird way for him to smile, but that’s because you haven’t seen the alternative. Here he is meeting you on your first day as his new maid:

I cannot overemphasize how important it is that you never be alone with two out of the three people in this picture. Here’s Eric telling a joke at your grandmother’s funeral:

He came with your cousin, even though they’ve broken up a couple of times in the last year. But what do you want her to do? He’s rich. Here he is after learning that you still have student loan debt.

That’s cool, if you don’t have the money to pay it off. He has the money to pay it off so, personally, if he had student loans, that would be bullshit. But whatever—it takes all kinds, right? Here he is just begging us to Photoshop a dick into his picture:

Even his dad is thinking about it. You don’t think Donald Trump realizes his second son is kind of gooney? The man values appearances above all else. He knows Eric is off-putting, but he loves him. He loves his giant, gummy, probably evil son. Here they are enjoying hot dogs together:

The best part is, they were free. You tell the guy you want two dogs, he passes them down, and when he asks for the money, you tell him you already paid. If he gets his manager or something, insist that he be fired. Who are they going to side with—the hot dog guy or Donald Trump and his son? The trick is to stay close to your dad. It only works if he’s rich.

Giuliani denies paternity in Bat Boy case

Former NYC mayor and possible Secretary of State Rudolph Giuliani

Possible Secretary of State Rudolph Giuliani

At a press conference in Washington this morning, former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani denied any biological connection to the human-chiroptera hybrid known as Bat Boy. The Donald Trump advisor and candidate for secretary of state described allegations that he is Bat Boy’s missing father as “utterly groundless.”

“Bay Boy is not my son,” Giuliani told a throng of reporters and cryptozoologists. “I am a human being, like you, and I have engaged in sexual intercourse only with human women.”

Bat Boy

Bat Boy

A reporter who noted that Bat Boy’s mother is a human woman was not acknowledged. Instead, Giuliani addressed what he called a “conspiracy” to smear his reputation with paternity rumors, at a moment when he was poised to take a position in the cabinet of President-Elect Trump. He attributed the rumors to his longtime political enemies: Democrats, the ACLU, and unarmed black men. Giuliani stressed the importance of moving past issues like these in the coming weeks, both for America in general and for Bat Boy in particular.

“Bat Boy should stop trying to find out who his father is and focus on living his life,” he said. After pausing to lick his lips, he added that the half-human, half-bat child was “a good boy, [who should] keep moving forward [and] drinking blood.”

Giuliani admitted that, during his tenure as US Attorney for the Southern District of New York, he visited the high castle in the forests of Pennsylvania where Bat Boy is from. But he emphasized that he had no contact with any women while he was there, including the one-eyed gypsy who told People magazine she cursed Giuliani to “sow seeds but harvest only shadows.”

“I have never met Madam Zukov,” Giuliani said, “and none of her predictions have come true.” The 2016 GOP convention speaker briefly consulted a pocket mirror before adding, emphatically, “none.”

Giuliani then discussed plans for the first 100 days of the Trump administration, enumerating policies he might implement as head of the State Department. These included aggressive trade negotiations with China, a federal program to ensure that schoolchildren in remote areas were getting enough iron, and crackdowns on private ownership of tennis racquets and sacks. When asked if there was anything he wanted to say to Bat Boy, currently a third-year criminology major at Drexel, the normally strident Republican grew pensive.

“I would say that wherever your father is, Bat Boy, I’m sure he’s very proud,” Giuliani said. “None of this is your fault. He probably just got scared, because he was so young.”

Giuliani then left the podium in a flash of cameras, bumping into the wall and emitting a series of high-pitched shrieks on his way to a transition strategy meeting behind the White House bookcase.

Dolezal resigns, tells Today Show “I identify as black,” embarrasses sons

Rachel Dolezal as a teenager, at Bellhaven University, and during her suit against Howard

Rachel Dolezal as a teenager, at Bellhaven University, and during her suit against Howard

I think my favorite new internet micro-genre is pictures of Rachel Dolezal looking white. There are a lot of them, and I’m sorry we could not include knee-length dreadlocks by a tree in the composite above. Someday this story will end, but yesterday it continued on its natural course: Dolezal resigned from her position at the NAACP. That predictable turn came with the less predictable news that in 2002, she sued Howard University for discriminating against her because she was white. That must have been the old Rachel Dolezal, because the contemporary one told the Today Show she identifies as black. Video after the jump.

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