12 idiotic statements about Iowa by Stephen G. Bloom

Last week, University of Iowa professor and former New Jersey resident Stephen G. Bloom published this essay in The Atlantic, in which he argues that Iowa maybe should not be the political bellwether it is. At least, that’s what he promises to argue. The impending Republican caucuses are the occasion for Bloom’s remarks, but the execution is a series of anecdotes indicting his adopted state and the grim hicks who populate it. An example:

Rural America has always been homogenous, as white as the milk the millions of Holstein cows here produce. Many towns are so insular that farmers from another county are strangers.

Can you imagine living in a town so insular that the people who don’t live in the town are strangers to you? It’s inconceivable, but that’s the kind of uniquely absurd place Iowa is. I should know. Like Bloom, I lived in Iowa for about 20 years, starting around age zero. Those who know me know that I am no booster, and Iowa remains the only place I have ever lived that I didn’t like. I like honesty and clear thinking, though, which is where Mr. Bloom and I diverge. His observations about the state where I grew up paint a startling picture of resentment, provincialism and proud ignorance. Unfortunately, it is a portrait of Stephen G. Bloom. It’s useless as a landscape, since Bloom’s rendering of Iowa oscillates between nonsensical and untrue. First of many after the jump.

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Meanwhile, inside Michele Bachmann’s head

"All I wanna do is zoom-a zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom. All I wanna do is zoom-a zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom. All I wanna do..."

It’s starting to look like even though America is the greatest country in the world, Michele Bachmann is not going to be president of it. While Perry, Romney, Newt Gingrich and even Herman Goddamn Cain take turns surging in the polls, Bachman continues to be popular only with evangelicals, Tea Partiers who have been on vacation since early August and your mother’s boyfriend. It just isn’t fair, since Bachmann has been working her ass off to do the one thing that guarantees success in any political contest: making stuff up. Monday, she told an audience in Cedar Rapids (Iowa, natch) that eighties-throwback Lebanese terror group Hezbollah might be building missile sites in Cuba. Terrifying, right? No, because by now you’ve noticed that Michele Bachmann reports a suspiciously large number of threats to America that no one else seems to know about.

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