“I will validate your petty resentments or, if you prefer, your despair.”
Oh boy: a new Quinnipiac poll released today has Donald Trump leading the Republican field with support from 27% of respondents nationwide—10 points ahead of Marco Rubio and 11 points ahead of both Ben Carson and Ted Cruz. All other candidates polled at 5% or less. Three out of four Republican front-runers are insane, you guys. These are exciting times to have access to national polls which, we should remember, are poor predictors of actual outcomes this far in advance. Still, in preparation for taking up the mantle of leadership, Trump told Fox & Friends he would kill terrorists’ families:
“I would knock the hell out of ISIS… [and] when you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families. I say ISIS is our number one threat, we have a president who doesn’t know what he is doing and all he’s worried about is climate change, he thinks climate change is something that’s going to go kill us.”
Only an idiot would concern himself with climate change, when world events offer so many better opportunities for violent revenge fantasies.
Here’s how the Trump plan would work.
- Catch an ISIS.
- Kill him, but first find out who his family is. We can do this using the carefully maintained birth records and social services databases that, presumably, still exist in northern Syria and Iraq. If no databases, I guess we torture him until he names his grandparents, cousins, nieces, et cetera.
- Kill those people.
- Peace in the Middle East.
Of course, some members of ISIS do not have families, or we killed them already. In such cases, we have to take out friends or coworkers of ISIS, but obviously those people do not deserve the same punishment as blood relations. For these people, the Trump plan works as follows:
- Catch an ISIS.
- Act like we’re torturing him to find his family, but when he says he doesn’t have any, be like, “Oh man, that’s so sad.”
- Gain his trust.
- Let him talk about how sometimes it feels like his boss at ISIS plays favorites with the terrorists who have families, giving them priority when scheduling days off, handing out bonuses, etc. Ask if other bachelor terrorists feel the same way. Write down all the names he says, but do it where he can’t see us writing, for example from behind a big painting of President Trump where the eyes are cut out so you can look through.
- Find those people and cut off their hands.
- Peace in the Middle East.
As you can see, both of these plans achieve our objectives, and unlike the plans proposed by other, stupid leaders, they don’t require us to know anything specific about ISIS or geopolitics. There are only so many different types of problems anyway, and they can pretty much all be solved by either killing somebody or saying you would.
Click on the GIF below. I dare you.
