This morning, the daemon Facebook brought me the news that Texas megachurch pastor Joel Osteen had resigned his position and renounced Christianity. The article also warned that people would try to tell me it was all a hoax. My suspicions were piqued by an interview in which Osteen uses pretty much the same diction and syntax as the interviewer, and they were confirmed by this ABC News report. ABC News is fairly reliable, even if they did say the hoax had him “telling his many followers he was denouncing [sic] the Christian faith.” Also, the problem of an unknown source that offers fantastic information while warning that people will try to tell you it’s a hoax should be familiar to anyone who has read the Bible.
It cannot be a coincidence that two historically unusual events both occurred yesterday. First, the Pope retired—something that hasn’t happened in 600 years. Hours later, North Korea announced that it had completed a third underground nuclear test—something that hasn’t happened ever, and which only has two near precedents. These events are so rare that the odds of them both happening on the same day are nigh infinitesimal. There can only be one explanation: they are the same event. Irrefutable argument for North Korean supremacy after the jump.
For the last week or so, the Facebook and possibly even a Tumblr have been all a-twitter about Joseph Baken, the 22 year-old gay man who was beaten up at the Missoula Club on his birthday. It turned out that did not happen. The injuries to Baken’s face were sustained when he attempted a back flip off the curb on Higgins Avenue, where he could maybe be heard saying “call me Gabby” before executing a perfect 270-degree rotation. We know this the same way we heard about his ostensible bashing in the first place: social media. Specifically, we saw this video:
What a perfect metaphor for his time in the national spotlight.