Is this the perfect AP story?

Paula the penguin—kids! Can you circle the page affair in this photo?

As readers of The Onion know, AP is a peculiar style. Its combination of affected objectivity and years of layered convention make it the prose equivalent of a straight man, with the banana man being world events. The solemnity of AP style makes kind of funny occurrences very funny, like when a nun throws up. My brother sent me this AP article, headlined “Newport Aquarium Penguin Poops on Ky. Senate Floor,” with the speculation that it may include the best lead ever written. To wit:

A penguin named Paula had some business to bring to the Kentucky Senate floor on Tuesday.

Boom! But I think the perfection of this AP story extends beyond its perfect lead.

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