Come on, America: let’s stop all this fighting and fussing. Let’s put aside the disagreements, the system we developed to arbitrate our national will through representatives and votes, and compromise by giving me what I want. When you disagree, you have to compromise eventually. That’s what mature people do. We should definitely compromise in this case, because otherwise I’m going to destroy us all. Our factories will lie ruined atop our schools. Our children will earn pennies a day performing on the internet for the Chinese. The Koch brothers will divide our corpses between them to burn for fuel. Today is Friday, and everything is going to be fine, provided you just compromise. If you don’t, I’m going to murder everybody.