Donald Trump addressed supporters in Fort Dodge, Iowa for more than 90 minutes last night, during which time he promised to “bomb the shit out of” oil fields that produced revenue for ISIS and called a male supporter “baby.” Mostly, he marveled at the recent success of Ben Carson. “How stupid are the people of Iowa?” he asked, presumably rhetorically. Likening Carson’s self-advertised temper to the pathology of a child molester, he admonished the crowd, “Don’t be fools, okay?” Speaking as a voter: where was that message three months ago? Sure, now Donald Trump doesn’t want us to be fools—now that he’s not the only foolish candidate in the race. Today is Friday, and the fool vote is split. Won’t you toss a coin with me?

First, the good news: if Trump is indeed to disappointed in us to keep running for president, Ted Cruz is ready to take his place. He’s just as lifelike and twice as crazy. Also speaking to Iowans, Cruz told evangelical dickhole Kevin Swanson that “Any president who doesn’t begin every day on his knees isn’t fit to be commander-in-chief of this country.” Props to Ben al-Fowlkes, who set the quote along with the commentary, “phrasing, bro.” We should note that Cruz fielded this softball question after Swanson called for the death penalty for homosexuals. He cited Leviticus and everything. “You’re not going to ask me about fantasy football, are you?” Cruz joked, I guess referring to the toughest question he could think of after “do you endorse what I just said about the death penalty for homosexuals?”

In case you’re wondering what kind of religious person Kevin Swanson is, here he is in 2013 arguing that Mark Twain was possessed by demons:

“Mark Twain himself I believe turned out to be demon-possessed,” he said, citing Twain’s book Letters from the Earth, which he called “one of the most acidic, horrific, evil books I think ever, ever written by any human being in the history of mankind.”

Apparently he hasn’t read The Kite Runner. Letters from the Earth is great, though: a satire that is formally French but fundamentally American in tone, it is a series of reports to the archangels Michael and Gabriel from their colleague on Earth, Satan. It’s kind of a cold cup of coffee, but it’s also a funny indictment of moral hypocrisy. Maybe—and I’m just spitballing her—it’s not one of the most evil books ever written so much as Swanson didn’t get it.

In related news, heroic airline pilot Chelsea “Sully” Sullenberger is ready to kill more birds. Props to The Cure for the link. The premise that Sully believes everyone loves him because he killed birds is wonderful enough. But I particularly enjoyed the weird logic of his bird-killing fantasies, e.g. “killing an owl with a gun in the dark of night.” “Ideally, I’d kill birds in the sky again,” he says, “as it’s more gratifying to slay them in their own domain.” Thank you, Onion. You give us so much.

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