Which of these ladies is more likely to tell you a made-up story?

I’m not saying that the Kim Lehman we’ve got—Republican National Committee member Kim Lehman, who recently tweeted “@politico you’re funny. They must pay you a lot to protect Obama. BTW he personally told the muslims that he IS a muslim. Read his lips”—is bad. We diaspora Iowans love to hear any mention of our mythical homeland not in the context of a 30 Rock punchline, as evidenced by our continued enjoyment of Steve King. It’s just that, in the course of trying to figure out who our Kim Lehman is, we found out about this other Kim Lehman—Kim Lehman the Beelady—who seems much nicer.

The Kim Lehman we currently have—henceforth referred to as RNC Kim Lehman—seems primarily concerned with educating Americans about how the President is a Muslim. According to a recent Pew poll, 18% of Americans believe that he is, along with 34% of self-described conservative Republicans. You’d think that would be pretty cut and dried, given that he “personally told the muslims that he IS a muslim” and all, but that turns out to be, uh, not true.

When RNC Kim Lehman says “the muslims” she means the audience at his speech in Cairo, and when she says “personally told” she means “he made it, in my opinion, clear he was partially Muslim.” These clarifications come from her subsequent interview with the Huffington Post, during which she says that in the speech “it didn’t appear to me he said Christianity was part of his religion.”*

As HuffPo points out, Obama explicitly said “I’m a Christian” at the beginning of his discussion of his relation to the Muslim world. Notice that RNC Kim Lehman didn’t say that the President didn’t say that; she said it “didn’t appear to me” that he said that. Appearances can be deceiving, you see. You know what else can be deceiving? Lies.

Kim Lehman the Beelady, on the other hand, does not want to teach Americans about their secret Muslim President. She wants to teach them about bees, on bee-half* of the American Beekeeping Federation Conventions.  Rather than encouraging children to rely on opinions and appearances in contravention of explicit declarations, Beelady Kim Lehman wants to teach kids about the “connection between bees and flowers. Children will try on bee suits and gloves with an actual hive…no bees.”

Just because Beelady Kim Lehman says there are no bees in the hive doesn’t mean that there aren’t any, of course. In my opinion, she made it clear that there are at least partially some bees in that hive, probably plotting to sting us by advancing one of their own to a position of leadership in our society. Such a person—the queen bee, if you will—would make it clear that she was one of us while simultaneously forming a bridge between our culture and the bee world. Before long, she’d have our children drawing pictures like the one at right.

Looks like your standard photorealistic depiction of a bee, doesn’t it? Look closer. That bee is wearing shoes, and it clearly has a combined thorax and abdomen, just like a person. You might say it’s bee-racial, although of course that has nothing to do with it embracing the bee religion. Still, it was raised in the tradition.

So the choice for America is clear: Kim Lehman in a bee costume with puppets on her hands and eyes that do not necessarily point in the same direction, or Kim Lehman psychically able to discern the President’s true religion. One of these Kim Lehmans will keep us safe. The other one is on the Republican National Committee, so she just gets to make laws and stuff. Personally, I’d rather find out how they make pollen into honey. I bet they melt it.

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